A Pact for Eternity

My Time While Dead

Finn's face was the last thing I saw before my heart stopped completely. I didn't have time to think about it. As soon as I felt the last thud in my chest, my mind went blank. No mom, no Finn, no school, no emotion. There was no weightlessness, no bright light, no tunnel. It wasn't just endless darkness, it was nothing. I simply didn't exist anymore. There isn't a way to describe nothing. It's hard to wrap my mind around it and it happened to me.

Then I was back. I don't know if it happened instantly after I died or if I spent years not existing. When I did come back though, everything about me had been erased. I could form thoughts but all my memories about, well anything, were simply gone. So, therefore, I didn't have anything to think about. The feeling I had of being completely mindless is sickening to think about. It was worse than not existing.

I sat on the edge of a stone bridge, crumbling with age and erosion. No cars passed by and no land connected to the bridge. The cobblestone ends disappeared into a heavy fog. The water underneath the bridge roared and turned white. Churning and sloshing like it was hungry for something.

I can't explain this, but during the time I sat there something happened to me that I can't remember. It wasn't just looking at the same bridge and water the whole time. My memory of whatever this was is gone though. I know there is something more to my time in this place. However, I have just never been able to grasp onto this memory that seems to be blocked from me. It's a missing piece to the puzzle.

I should have been bored or confused or panicked when I was sitting there. The internal dialogue in my head was gone though. I was empty. I don't believe I ever moved. I could have sat there for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years. Either way, it wouldn't have mattered to me at the time. Looking back on it, it felt like years.

I waited and waited until the first thought popped into my head as I sat there. Jump. My mind knew exactly what that was. I jumped because I had nothing else to think or act on. I got up and stepped off the bridge with no hesitation. My movements mimicked that of a toy soldier marching to battle. As I fell, emotions rushed back. Panic, joy, anger, regret, confusion, fear, sadness. I cried, laughed, and screamed all before I was engulfed by the roaring rapids.

I didn't smack the water. Instead, the water welcomed me in and unlike its appearance from the bridge, it was calm. It swallowed me in deeper and deeper, turning warmer the further I was pulled under. The names of objects, places, colors, animals, and people filled my mind. As my mind came back to me, the water got hotter. Playing with an Elmo birthday candle, my mom making candied sweet potato, doing cartwheels in the front yard, my teacher in first grade announcing the worst math test score and then handing it to me in front of the whole class, Finn showing me his pokemon collection, sobbing after the kids at school started making fun of my acne and told me to open my eyes more, starting highschool, beach trips with my mom, Finn and I being chased by dogs after deciding to go on a late-night run. It made my emotions go crazy as I was reliving each memory.

The water soon grew angry and tried to boil me like a carrot in soup. I fought to resurface again, but the water had turned to gel, encasing me. I could no longer see light from the surface. Then I began to remember why I was here in the first place. Finn calling to say he would be there. The awful lacrosse game. The bus. The semi. The glass. Josie slung over a seat. Awful pain. Someone carrying me. Pillows and warmth. The fire in my body that had stopped my heart. Finn's face. 

The water went ice cold.

I was shoved brutally back into the realm of the living. My eyes flung open and I screamed from the exhilarating cold of the water. Except I was no longer in the water. The memories and emotions were all too much for my mind to comprehend. I shook as I screamed and sobbed. My limbs felt like they were buzzing with electricity and my chest felt ice cold. I was stiff but also felt like I could go on a run. It took a while before I could calm myself down to truly open my eyes.

Still shaking I glanced at where I was laying first. A puffy purple bed, familiar. Soft sunlight barely peeking through a window. Really nice furniture and really stylish lamps. Then I had to do a double-take and rub my eyes a few times. At the foot of the bed stood Finn, Ivy, and their mother. I don't think my look of confusion could beat their one of concern.

Finn moved and sat down at the edge of the bed. Reflexively I backed away. I have always trusted, but I remembered what had caused that pain. It didn't really make sense as to what he did or how he did it, but either way, it was unnerving. When I moved away, I saw a look of sadness cross over Finn. I looked at him again. I saw the familiarity in his face, but I couldn't make myself relax.

My voice was screechy like someone who had been smoking for forty years. "You better explain."