Habit (English Version)

Habit

Hello, this is my first FF using english, I want to say sorry for my english because english is not my first language and I'm not that good with english. I hope you enjoy. Thank you :)

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You keep meeting somebody

And laugh out loud

But nothing changes

When I think of you

Laughing somewhere

I feel like I'm losing

I feel like an idiot

It's been 3 months after I and Kim Mingyu decided to end our relationship. The relationship we have lived for over 3 years. We broke up because the feeling had disappeared and the relationship would get colder if it was maintained. It was his opinion, but not for me. I fell more and more in his charm and could not escape from it. But this relationship can't be maintained if one of us has no feeling anymore.

That night I returned to the dorm after filming for my latest variety show. When I arrived, I saw his shoes on the shoe rack that indicated Kim Mingyu was here. I went in and saw him sitting watching a cartoon movie which made him laugh out loud with his hands on Hoshi hyung's shoulders.

"Are you home, Seungkwan?" asked Hoshi, who saw me coming.

"Yes hyung, I'll go to my bedroom okay" I replied.

You don't even look away from the TV to just welcoming me.

I arrived in the room and immediately clean myself to get to sleep because my body was too tired all day. But the fact is I can't sleep, the sound of your laugh in the TV room with Hoshi hyung makes me unable to sleep and endure this pain.

Seeing you laugh makes me feel like I am losing to you, makes me feel like a fool for continuing to hold on to this feeling that expects you to return into my arms even though you've moved on long ago even since you were with me.

I rather wish that you were having a hard time

I want you to think of me

Because it's hard

I want to be okay too

I feel my lips dry

The lips that used to call you so much

I realized then, like a habitual saying

That I desperately looked for you as I called for you

I want to embrace you like I did then

And tell you that I want to smile

Listening to you laughing like that makes me think that I would like it if you were having a hard time like me and thought of me for a while. Crying for our broke up even though it has been running for 3 months but still feels very difficult for me.

I also want to act as if I'm fine but I can't. The more I see you smile happily because of other people the more I feel my smile and happiness collapse.

I feel that the lips I always use to call your name are very dry. I want to call your name like I usually do. Kim Mingyu. I want to say how much I miss you, I want to hug you and laugh like when we were together. I want to be in the position of Hoshi hyung right now, I want to hug you and tell you what I'm going through right now. I want to tell all my difficulties to you and I want you to hug me while saying that everything will be fine.

When I close my eyes and count one and two

Before I know it, I'm asleep

I look for you in my dream unknowingly

I think it's a lie that I want to forget you

No..

Maybe it's become a habit instead

I think I want to forget

Your name that I'm calling again even now

I decided to close my eyes and try to fall asleep. Even in dreams I keep looking for you and hope to meet you, hug you, kiss you, do what we used to do. My desire to forget you is the biggest bullshit of my life.

No! I'm sure this is just my habit that I can't forget. Because 3 years is not a short time so it will takes a long time to get used to not calling you.

At least, I want to forget your name in my heart and think of you only as my brother and my group mate, not someone I loved from my past.

I want to tell you that I want to see you

Now that you're gone

The habit, of calling you

I live, unable to erase it

Because of you

I woke up after falling asleep shortly. I still hear your laughter outside. Why aren't you go home? It's late, tomorrow we have to practice. Go home. Don't make my desire to come closer to you stronger.

I want to come to you and tell you that I miss you. After you left my life, my habit of calling you grew. I lived my life without being able to forget that habit because of you.

*

I felt my throat dry so I decided to go to the kitchen to get a drink. I don't see you in the TV room anymore, there's only Hoshi hyung.

"Eoh, I think you sleep Seungkwan?" Hoshi asked

"I'm thristy so I woke up" I replied

Hoshi hyung nodded his head and focused on the TV again.

After drinking, I decided to wash my face in the bathroom. When I want to open the bathroom door, you come out of there staring at me without speaking. I'm against my biggest desire to hug you right now.

"Why haven't you slept yet?" you asked breaking the silence.

"I will sleep after washing my face" I replied.

"Ah okay" you said and want to walk out.

"Kim Mingyu" I said suddenly as if my lips were moving on their own.

"Hm. What's wrong Seungkwan?" you asked.

"Have you completely forgotten me?" I asked, which made me curse myself for asking things that would hurt me later.

"I'm sorry" you said. I can only smile bitterly to hear that.

"Can I hug you one last time? At least as a farewell because I will try to forget you as you forget me" I hope you say yes.

You nod your head and hug me warmly. I was broken into tears and cried in your arms. You realize it and gently stroke my head and my back, like you normally do when you calm me down.

After a while, I decided to let go of the hug because I was afraid that if it took too long I wouldn't be able to let you go.

"Thank you Mingyu" I said.

"Yeah go to sleep because it's late. You're very tired today. Today you also worked hard too" you said.

"Yes" I replied.

"I'm going to the TV room"

I nod my head to you. Suddenly you stop and turn to me.

"I hope you will meet the perrson who can love you more than I love you and treat you well more than I used to" you said.

"Yes, I hope so" I replied.

You continue your steps to the TV room. I washed my face and returned to the room. I lay my body.

I thinks this is the right time to forget you.

Goodbye Kim Mingyu.

Goodbye my first love.