Habit (English Version)

Stupid

I looked at the photo on my cellphone. Boo Seungkwan. A sweet man who managed to change my life to be more colorful with his adorable behavior and with an attitude that always cares about the people around him. Even because of his kindness I often felt worried that he would get hurt because of that.

Every time I said 'don't be too nice to others' because maybe it will hurt us but he always said that he only wanted to do good because it is his wish and he doesn't care if that person didn't reply his kindness for sure he just wants to do good.

Three months ago, I decided to end my relationship with him because I was interested in Hoshi. My mind was very messy at that time. Some of my heart wants to go but some want me to stay with him.

My ego won. I followed part of my heart that wanted to leave. Did the most stupid thing in my life.

The beginning of why I was attracted to Hoshi because Seungkwan was always busy with his activities. It's not that I don't like and don't support him, I'm very happy with his achievements, but at that time I wanted him to be by my side when I was feeling not okay. But he was too busy, so I looked for someone else I could talk to and at that time it was Hoshi who offered it. I often share my feelings with Hoshi. I'm depend on him.

Since then, I realized that I was interested in him. Am I no longer in love with Seungkwan? Impossible, even when with Hoshi, I always think of Seungkwan and only talk about him. But I also could not refuse the warmth that Hoshi gave me so I decided the stupidest thing in my life

I broke my relationship that has been running for more than 3 years with Seungkwan. I made that stupid decision without thinking.

At that time I hoped that Seungkwan would hold me. Saying that everything will be fine if discussed.

But...

He didn't say anything, he didn't hold me back. He just smiled sadly as if he wanted to say that he was fine and left me.

At that time I was angry. I want to catch up with him and ask him to hold me so that I don't break this relationship but my body doesn't move.

That's where I knew I was the stupidest person in the world.

I told Hoshi about it, I also said that I liked him.

Hoshi was shocked by that but he immediately made me realize that I was only comfortable with him, not like him in romantic ways.

And at that moment, I realized that I still  love Seungkwan. I tried to make him back with me but it didn't work. He always avoids me.

I asked Hoshi to pretend to be close to me so that I could make Seungkwan jealous and make him say that he wanted to come back to me.

Whenever there is Seungkwan, I always get close to Hoshi, do skinship with Hoshi in the hope that Seungkwan will be jealous. But he didn't even think about it and it made me angry but this was all my fault.

*

That night I went to the upper dorm because Hoshi asked me to accompany him to watch movie.

"He hasn't come home yet Hyung?" I asked.

"Not yet. Mingyu-ya, how long do you want to be like this? Because of you Seokmin got the wrong idea. It's annoying," Hoshi said, frowning.

"Sorry hyung, but I'm already frustrated with him" I replied sadly.

"Talk to him, don't be like this. You only hurt both of you if you continue this stupid idea. You also hurt me and Seokmin," said Hoshi.

"Sudahlah, ayo nonton" balasku mengalihkan pembicaraan. Hoshi merengut karena aku mengalihkan pembicaraan.

I heard the password being pressed and I knew that Seungkwan had returned. I immediately put my hand on Hoshi's shoulder.

"Are you home, Seungkwan?" Hoshi asked when he saw him coming.

"Yes hyung, I'll go to my bedroom okay"he replied.

I tried hard not to look at him because I would definitely run to hug him.

I heard him enter the room and I knew he would immediately clean and go to sleep. I really want to go to his room and sleep with him while hugging him. Inhaling his distinctive aroma that always makes me comfortable but I know I can't. Gosh Kim Mingyu, your ego is very big. You stupid.

I focused myself with the film but wasn't really focused. I laughed because Hoshi laughed. Stupid. That's Kim Mingyu.

Suddenly I felt like going to the bathroom so I immediately left. When I came out I saw you at the door. I'm surprised to see you and I didn't say anything, the atmosphere is very awkward.

"Why haven't you slept yet?" I asked breaking the silence.

"I will sleep after washing my face" he replied.

"Ah okay" I said, stepping away so that I would not see your face again so that my longing did not increase.

"Kim Mingyu," you called.

"Hm. What's wrong Seungkwan?" I asked.

"Have you completely forgotten me?" you asked me back.

'No. How could I forget you. I love you Seungkwan-a' my heart says what I truly feel but my mouth says something else that makes me hate myself even more.

"I'm sorry," I said. I cursed myself for this.

I can see you smiling bitterly. 'Don't be like that Seungkwan, you make my heart hurt,' I told myself.

"Can I hug you one last time? At least as a farewell because I will try to forget you as you forget me" you asked.

Hearing that, my world seemed to collapse. You want to forget me? DON'T. I can't live without you. But I realize this is all my fault.

I nodded my head and hugged you, inhaling the scent of your body that always calms me. Stroking your head and back like I usually do when hugging you. You cry.

The crying really hurt my heart. My heart is broken. I wanted to scream asking you not to cry. I want to kneel before you and apologize for my stupidity, but not a single word comes out of this damn mouth.

You let go of my arms. Not willing. That is how I feel.

"Thank you, Mingyu," you said.

"Yeah go to sleep because it's late. You're very tired today. Today you worked hard to" I replied.

"Yes" you said.

"I'm going to the TV room"

I stepped out but I stopped and turned back to you.

"I hope you will meet perrson who can love you more than I love you and treat you well more than I used to" I said with a heavy heart. Looks like I also have to give up.

"Yes, I hope so too" you said.

I returned to step my foot heavily into the TV room. I could only stand still and stare blankly at Hoshi.

"What's wrong Mingyu? What happened?" Hoshi asked.

I saw you back to your room.

"Hyung, it's over. There's no more chance for me," I said.

I told everything to Hoshi. I cried that night. Hoshi tried to calm me down but didn't success. My heart hurts too much like I want to die.

Yes this is what you deserve for Kim Mingyu. Look what you did. No regret. This is your mistake, this is your stupidity.

Stupid Kim Mingyu.

Seungkwan-a, I'm sorry, I really stupid.

I wish you a happy, love.

I love you, my first love.