Skarsgård

Chapter 5: "Day Two-Hundred and Twenty"

ELYSE

Yesterday, after seven months of dating, Alexander asked me to marry him. (I thought he was joking.)

He was not joking. 

We were in the middle of making love (I know, I know. trust me. It was more romantic than this.) We were making love, my legs were wrapped around his waist, slowly stroking his arms, and he leaned down to kiss me passionately. Our eyes locked and he caressed the hair out of my face, staring at me un-moving for a few second before he said the words: "Marry me." 

As we lay together, bodies still intertwined with one another, his hands holding both sides of my face. Those steel blue eyes of his staring into mine with so much hope, practically sparkling as they waited for my answer. I didn't know what to say. I was overjoyed,  and overwhelmed all at the same time. I opened my mouth to speak and before I could say anything, he kissed me, full on with force. I felt his body stir again and he continued making love to me until we both climaxed. 

Afterward, I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I felt weird. I didn't know if his proposal was serious and yet I still felt that I ruined the moment; our moment, and would I ever hear those words from him again. I actually began to cry in the shower. There I was again, doubting myself. I always have. My parents saw me every day and yet they abandoned me, neglected me, were disgusted by my existence. So I learned to cope by trying to be overly bold and confident to disguise my actual insecurities - I am pretty sure most people do this. We all pretend to be stronger than we actually are. 

I dried myself off with my towel and stood staring in my mirror, hands on my vanity counter-top, asking myself what just happened and how can I make it happen again? I stepped out into the open room of my loft and Alexander was nowhere in sight. Maybe he stepped out for an errand or went to get some air, I thought to myself. He and I had made dinner plans for this evening so I knew he would be back. I thought I had done something wrong; possibly hurt his feelings by not answering his proposal right away. What an idiot I am.

After waiting for him in the open loft living area for ten minutes, I went back into my bedroom to get dressed for the evening. As I started getting dressed, I heard Alex in the other room walking about and making a lot of unknown noise. I had on a simple yet sexy black cocktail dress that featured a thigh slit and a sweetheart neckline. I did a very light makeup look and paired it with a bold red lip and long false lashes. It was an uncomfortably warm summer night so I decided to pull my hair up into a messy bun. 

When I opened the door to my bedroom, Alexander was standing right in my view, in the openness of my loft apartment. He looked very dapper. His hair was perfectly coiffed and tamed. He wore a muted khaki dress-shirt paired with dark navy trousers. Before I could open my mouth, he spoke. 

"Elyse, will you please take my hand?" as he outstretched his open palm for me to grab. 

I did as I was told. I grabbed his hand as he led me through the open living space, beyond the kitchen, then up the exposed loft stairs that led to my rooftop deck. When he opened the door, the warm California heat hit my face in a gush, making my eyelashes flutter slightly. He walked me up the small curved stair and that is when I heard it - the slow romantic and melancholy sound coming from an instrument I had never seen before in my life. It was a mix between a violin and a harp. (I later learned that it's a traditional Swedish instrument called a Nyckelharpa.) At the stair top landing, I literally stopped in my tracks; as if I could not move and was stuck in cement. I felt Alexander try and pursue me to move but I was in shock. The woman began singing a soft and soothing angelic folk song, like a lullaby, in what I immediately knew to be Swedish.  

I stood staring at Alexander who had somehow managed to move me a few steps closer. There were candles lit of all sizes, some short and fat, some tall and skinny; the rooftop was sparkling. I looked around and saw the night skyline view of Studio City, California. I had to remind myself that I was not in another world or another dimension. The singers high-pitched words pierced through the warm sky, bringing the Nordic to America with each strum of her fingers and change in her tune. Alexander came to me and with ease, he knelt those long limbs of his down in front of me and grabbed my hand. While her lullaby never wavered, the singer lowered her voice to the softest sound; like the cooling breath when you make a wish on a dandelion. Alex's hand gripped mine a bit tighter. As I closed my eyes, a tear streamed down my cheeks. When I opened them, my mouth gaped open and I tried to catch my breath. Alexander was holding the ring between his fingers. 

"Will you marry me" came out of his lips. 

I looked at him with eyes that were getting bigger and bigger without saying anything, for what must have been five or ten seconds, but felt like minutes. All I could do was babble and second guess myself aloud. 

"Are you sure?" I said to him in a low cowardliness voice. "I am nobody. I'm just a damaged girl. You are too good for me." All the emotions of my past came rushing in. I thought of the nights I spent in my room alone as a child and one night in particular. I was sent back to my room after having a nightmare. My mother told me that I could not stay with her in her room and to face my fears on my own - I was seven years old. I walked the long dark hall back to my bedroom. Once I arrived in my room, I closed the door as to not wake my parents. Instead of hiding in my closet, I reached under my bed to confront the monster, ready for death; it never came. 

I stood on the rooftop crying uncontrollably to which Alex had to intervene. He stood up and grabbed both sides of my face, kissing my forehead and hair. 

"Darling, eyes that do not cry, do not see." he said. He leaned my face up to his and I wrapped myself in his arms; as if he was my father instead of my lover. He embraced me tighter, comforting me, protecting me, and the tears flowed down my face as the Swedish singer gracefully transitioned melodies into another Nordic folksong. Alex looked down and kissed me tenderly on my red painted lips. 

"This is where you know I will love you forever. This is the beginning of a new life, with me, with my love always loving you. I will never forsake you. I will never neglect you. I will always surround you with my devotion and protection. Every day, I am inspired by you. I am transfixed by you and everything that you are. I want you to be my wife, to have my children, to live your days knowing you have me as your partner." he said. He reached down and kissed me once more. 

"This, my love, this is the part where you say Yes."