"How are you doing?" You ask me
Honestly? I'm feeling a little manic. Like my mind is racing and I'm trying to get out but I can't. Here I am, trapped in my own mind, unaware of my feelings. These feelings are like nothing and everything all at once. A mix between being scared of my own actions and confident enough to keep them coming. I wanna cry and scream all at the same time. But I don't. I can't. I can't scream because every time I open my mouth nothing comes out, like my voice is trapped inside me. Just like I am, trapped inside my own mind. My thoughts are racing and they're moving so fast I can barely keep up, yet they move slow enough for me to catch every single one. I wonder when this will all stop. Then I wonder if I want it to stop. Being caught in between wanting to slow the thoughts or speed them up. Either way I'll still catch them, every single one. No matter how fast my mind moves I'm one step ahead. Like I know what my next thought is gonna be, yet they all still surprise me. I wonder what it would be like to be dead. To finally have my mind stop. Then I wonder if this is what living is like. If you're supposed to feel this way. If you're supposed to know everything and nothing all at the same time. I'm starting to get a headache. The thoughts never ceasing. I wonder when it will go away. I know that days will pass with my head throbbing and nothing will stop it. Nothing but me. I open my mouth to scream and yet again nothing comes out. I wonder if it's supposed to be this way. Then I scream, actually scream. I start laughing, so hard I start crying. The sounds not even reaching my ears. I stop. If I screamed how come no one stopped to see where the sound was coming from. Then I realize I didn't make a sound. I sit there and wonder what it would be like to be dead again. I wouldn't be able to scream. So I scratch that thought. I wonder if this is what living is like again. I wonder, does everyone feel this way. No. People can scream when they want. I can't. Why not? I stop and think about being dead again. Wondering if this will ever stop. I scream. Never mind. I wonder if this will ever stop. Then I stop. Stop what? I don't know. Stop. Stop. Stop. Then it hits me. I scream. Yet again nothing comes out. My throat feels raw at this point. Have I been screaming? I don't know. Then I wonder if I'm deaf. Surely I would've heard myself scream? I stop. Then I wonder if I'm dead. Am I dead? No? Maybe? Who knows? I get a text. It's from you. I ignore it, not because I want to but because I can't form a tangible thought. I stop. I scream. My throat is burning. Surely I've been screaming? Yet no sound has ever reached my ears. Maybe I'm deaf? Maybe I'm dead. Dead. The word seems comforting to me. Yet I stop. Dead. Stop. Scream. Dead, I must be dead. I can't be dead. This can't be what being dead feels like. The ocean. I think about the ocean. I think about the calming waves washing over my feet. Then I think about drowning. Dead. I must be dead. No. Scream. Still nothing. The fire in my throat reminds me of summer. Summer. Winter. Fall. Now I'm falling. Falling where? I don't know. I feel like I've been falling forever. Dead. I'm dead. I have to be dead. I move my fingers up to my neck, searching for a pulse. I find one. Not dead. Not yet. I scream again. No sound reaches my ears. I stop. I stare up at the ceiling. Noting how bad the paint job truly was. It's blue. I think about the ocean again. Waves. Drowning. Death. Is this all just a cry for help. I stop. Thinking about how my mind is a runaway train and I'm trying to get off. I jump. I'm falling again. Death. Am I dead now? I feel for a pulse again. Not dead. I scream. No sound. My throat is raw and burning. If I've been screaming someone would've heard me? Right? Stop. I wonder what comes next. I think it has to be death. No. It's the ocean. Summer. Winter. Snow. I like snow. It's soft and comforting. I find comfort in the cold. Cold, numbing cold. I stop. Freeze. Ice. Snow. Winter. Summer. Fall. I'm falling again. Down into the darkness. Darkness. The room is dark so I wonder how I'm even seeing anything. I'm not. But I am. I stop. Scream. No sound. I check for a pulse. It's still there. Stop. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. How long was I not breathing. Death. I have to be dead. Train. My mind is like a train speeding down the tracks. I scream begging for it all to stop. I jump. Falling again. This is getting old. Wait I'm not falling this time. I'm floating, in the ocean. Waves wash over me. Gentle and calm. I scream. Still no sound. Why hasn't anyone find me yet. I stop. Trains are fast. Speed. Race horses are fast. Run. They run. I could run. Run away. Run where? I'm running from myself. Stop. I can't get out. It's like being trapped in a glass box. I watch the world move past me. Slow. Everything is slow. Turtles are slow. Turtles. Ocean. Summer. Winter. Snow. Ice. Freeze. Stop. Race horses don't stop. I can't stop. Stop.
"Fine" I reply back with a smile on my face.
