Tessa finds SWEET SWEET COOCHIE with tanks

The Slow Buildup

Agent 3536 "Boox".

The deadliest sniper in all of recorded history. Known for her no-nonsense, clean and precise operations. Emits an aura that scares terrorist leaders into submission. And now, nearing the age of 30, of almost 16 years of service–

–she wants another girlfriend.

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Her fifth tour.

The middle of Inunikusushi-controlled Japan. A chaotic fight raging between two differing sides for almost a decade now. The American-backed Konshinsōkan wa gomi forces, fighting to regain control of the capital. The fight had been back and forth, back and forth for as long history could document it. However, a recent leak by one of their most highly trusted double agents showed that an important figure with crucial, possible war-turning information was at their most vulnerable today. The mission was to get in, extract the target and their information, and silence them.

She had been patiently waiting for over 5 hours now. From the stealth coat under the jamming suit under the ghillie outfit, she had yet to move a single millimeter. It was as if she had become an invisible, immovable rock.

She didn't need a spotter, she didn't need any sights. Her eyes glazed out, almost as if bored. But the pupils were focused on her iron. Her fellow soldiers, also the elite of the elite, looked at her with the utmost respect, for she was one of the elite of the elite of the elite.

"Look at her eyes, look at her focus." they thought to themselves. "Her concentration is incredible. You can just see how her mind is focused on the job and nothing else." These envious thoughts flitted around their heads.

But this was not the case, for in fact Ms. Boox was too busy thinking of various scenarios of where she could've kept her last girlfriend.

"Honestly, I should've ignored it when she stole my shampoo. But for fucks sake, she took my goddamn shampoo. She was at fault here. Not me. Anyone who says it's me is bullshit."

Then, the calling sound of the Inunikusushi was heard in the distance. A sound that terrified the soul and filled the body with dread.

Astronomia by Vicetone & Tony Igy. A song of terrors.

"GET INTO POSITIONS!" her spit flew from her mouth and landed at the bottom of the drop, like a gentle yet strong wind flowing from the esophagus.

The man of the hour had arrived. Black Haired Naruto, the birthchild of way too many fucking Naruto-Sasuke fanfictions. A top dog in the military, a merciless soloist who is usually reported by his team for always running away.

"I'll call for the f***ing V-formation," said a tired former teammate in an interview. "And he'll be like 'Nah watch me ooga booga 360 no scope these scrubs.' and just runs off. And the worst part is that he actually does! It's like God was like 'ah yes the NarutoxSasuke fandom shall be blessed by my divine intervention'. Honestly, f*** that and f*** him."

Boox motioned with her hand, a very slender hand, with pure smooth skin and thin, bony fingers, mixed in with grime and dust from years of operations. 

"Stay back."

And then she jumped, with pristine form and an wonderfully executed launch, a perfect corkscrew dive there and just a tad bit of olive oil.

Black Haired Naruto looked up.

"Ho, you're approaching me? Instead or running away, you're coming right to me?"

Boox laughed, a dreadful sound. I never want to hear that sound again. It's like a bird dying while getting fucked by a cactus. 

"I can't blow your brains out without getting closer."

"Hoho, then come as close as you like!"

Black Haired Naruto smiled.

"As I'm sure you know from that interaction, I'm not actually Black Haired Naruto. Because it would be really hard to explain the science of how either Naruto or Sasuke got pregnant.

"KONO DIO DA!!"

Boox tch-ed. "You blonde bastard." She swung her gun up.

"ZAAAA WARUDOOOOOO"

*PFBBFBBFBFBFPFFPVFPBFBBFBFBFBBFBFBFBBFB*

"N-nani?" she grunted. "I can't move-"

"That's right," said Dio, "My stand, The World, has the power to stop time. You could even say he was the power of the world in his hands! Get it? The world--and my stand is called The World--get it--am I not funny--have I not achieved the PINNACLE of COMEDY?"

*insert Seinfield theme here*

"More like the pinnacle of C R I N G E" she retorted back.

"Oh, is that so? Then I'll guess I have to-"

"YOU JUST ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD"

"NANII???"

"DO IT! NOW!"

"Wh-"

And sadly, this was the story of how Dio got run over by Type 3 Chi-Nu-chan.