In the Fire's Shadow

5. The Bear - Adara

The silence would have settled around me if not for the clicking of the grandfather clock, echoing through the foyer.

Tom had run away from me, again. Was this moving too fast? Maybe I shouldn't have held his hand... I laughed at the thought. "Maybe you shouldn't have done a lot of things..." I murmured to myself.

I had never allowed public displays, for fear Charles would find out. We were legally divorced, but still...

I looked up to where he would be standing in his bathroom. The sound of water falling helped to mask the annoying click. There was more he needed to tell me; more he needed to let go of, but I knew him well enough to know he hadn't quite figured out either.

Something in the back of my mind began to tug, and I was getting the strangest sense of déjà vu.

Click... click... click...

I ignored the clicking and looked again to where Tom would be, upstairs.

I wanted more of him. I needed to be with him. I needed to exist with him.

I started towards the stairs when I noticed the mud room door that led to the garage was open. I paused.

A single light was on and I could see a stack of boxes piled in a crib.

I forgot my need for Tom. I forgot the clicking of the stupid, ancient clock. I forgot the familiarity of the moment before and without hesitation or thought went to it.

I stood at the edge of the crib and ran my hand along the smooth wood.

I'm not sure how long I stood there, staring down at the box labeled BLANKETS BEARS AND PILLOWS. I also can't recall actually opening the box or taking anything out. I only remember feeling dazed.

I try to remember what I was thinking in that moment, but I can't. I don't remember pulling out his bear, or sliding to the ground. I can't remember anything about that moment that stretched on forever.

The sound of someone walking towards me brought me back to reality.

I was leaning against the crib with the bear pressed to my face. I looked up to him.

Tom was so handsome in his gray suit.

"It still smells like him." The strength in my voice surprised me, but the tears in my eyes spilled over.

I buried my face back into the bear when I felt him slide behind me, and pull me into his chest. The smell of Tom mixed with the familiar scent still clinging to the bear and I began to free fall again, back into the darkness.

I had been living in that dark place for a while now. It was full of exhaustion and guilt and isolation. It was home.

Had I really been laughing earlier? Smiling? Forgetting him?

The guilt washed over me anew and the ache, deep in my soul, raged on.

I needed to leave; I couldn't let Tom comfort me. I didn't deserve to be comforted, but I didn't want to let go of him just yet. It felt so nice, knowing someone hurt like I did, knowing someone was there to hurt with me. I curled up tighter against him, and he wrapped his strong arms around me. He pulled me onto his lap and began to gently rock me. I turned my face into his crisp shirt and let the torrent of tears go.

"I'm sorry, Tom..." I was gasping and weeping so hard, I felt his arms tighten, trying to contain my shaking.

"Don't, love, please don't do that."