This is hell...
No fire, no sulfur... Rather, all I see around are the worst thing I could have expected to face: oblivious men. What should I do to be heard? Cry out loud? Ask them for help?
Why can't they hear my yearning? The death of one of their fellow humans? I keep hearing about love and care, but all these peo... These things seem to be able to do is take and ask for more. I tried, I tried giving my all. I have my time, gave my body, gave my reality. I offered everything I expected to get from at least one, just one person, but got nothing in return.
Oh I'm sorry, I won't just be an ungrateful prick, that'd be going too easy on them. They did give me things in return. Matter of facts, they even asked me to confide in them, rely upon them. I did and I was glad. There was the birth of a glimmer of hope, the hope that I was just being selfish and was unable to see the love and care going my way. I was ashame, obviously, but happy too. Fuck that, I was as wrong as can be.
"I wish I could do more."
"I am so sorry I can't do more."
"This is my fault for not being there enough."
"What is there left to do?"
What!? Really? The best y'all can give to someone feeling like he's at the end of the line is regretting? Thanks bitch I could do that on my own. I was doing that on my own. I am doing that on my own.
Worst comes when I have to end up feeling guilty for those showing some sort of deep compassion, like they suffer more from my helplessness and misery than I do. Real helpful. Suffering on my own isn't enough, now I have to worry for those I got sucked into my pain while looking for help.
That's the world I live into, full of promises. Hope does exist. It's warm and reassuring. Keeps one alive and growing, just like the sun, and just as the sun, always farther than you can imagine.
Think I hate my world? This is but the beginning. I ended up wondering if there was any aspect of all this thing we call "living" that I enjoy. There is... But why does it hurt this much? Why do I keep feeling like I have to keep running and looking away from all this reality crawling up to me?
Am I wrong?
I don't know, and I wish I did. I'd love to stiff suffocating in this life and make something of myself.
