Here I am, pointless.
Nothing seems to matter, honestly. Whatever you try to do, you always seem prey to the same feeling of misery and pain. It got so bad, I see and envy those who enjoy that pain and find ways to cope with it.
When you give all you have until nothing is left, you also give away the sense of sympathy that pushed you to such extremes. When you stop giving and are nothing but a void surrounded by negative energy, you're left empty by those who took away... They just briefly stare at you and think : "What a freak."
Am I?
Am I that bad a person? Is reaching my limits and wanting to be fulfilled for a bit that horrible a thing to express? Oh sorry I didn't keep smiling and telling how happy I wanted you to believe I am. You could say you had no clue I was going through this once it's passed, but it wouldn't change a thing, my trust is gone. You all will be nothing more than acquaintances... Definitely not what I think friends should be... Or maybe was my definition of friends biased from the very beginning.
Maybe that's it. Friends might not be those you rely on to understand what you could feel or need. Not those who should have passed enough time by your side to differentiate an agonising you from a normal you. No, no, no. Friends are there for the good times. That was my mistake. They're here to enjoy with you. When everything is okay, you can turn to them, when it's not, shut the hell up.
Is it just pain writing or are these thoughts I bury too deep to realise on the regular? I'm out here talking like a "broken" 14 year old. Am I even broken? Just sad? At least I know I'm angry, at myself, at others, at them... At her...
Fuck...
