I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore

Just venting

I haven't been feeling good about my body lately. I feel like I'm overweight, many people in my life compare my body to other people and so do I. My boyfriend talks about other girls saying how the have a bigger bust size than me. I didn't like color guard because I felt unattractive compared to other girls there, one of which started a rumor that my parents were siblings. I didn't deal with it because I didn't want bring her older sister the color guard captain into this. They are both attractive people. I was the only girl in a large. I feel fat, I have large thighs and I have large hips. My face isn't any good either. My boyfriend has said that that my face isn't attractive. My mom's friend has said I'm overweight and my mom didn't defend me when he said that. I don't like eating anymore. 

I came out as pansexual to my grandma, she isn't really accepting, it feels like she would force me to go to gay conversion camps. I don't like when my boyfriend says homophobic shit around me when I have told him I'm pansexual. 

I have problems when my boyfriend wants me to give him a hand job or a blow job. I don't do it because when I was younger my 60 year old neighbor made me touch his genitals. I don't want to make him unhappy. He also acted like he was going to break up with me and it hurt me and now he's acting like it didn't happen, like he didn't threaten my mom for not letting me go camping with him. I also don't like sexual interactions because in 6th grade a boy groped me and the school didn't do anything.

My uncle recently died of covid-19. I was close to him, he was there my entire childhood. He taught me how to sew and use a computer. He was accepting when I was diagnosed with ADHD and when I came out to him as pansexual. He was always there for me. He was a blessing to everyone who met him. He made toys for children, everything he did was with love . He had medical problems that restricted him, but he never let that get him down even in the end. I remember him always smiling. He was kind to everyone he met. I wish he was still around, I talked to him on the phone the day before he died. The facility he was in had cases of covid-19 so everyone was quarantined. I don't think I'll make to the 16th of may.