Depths of Despair

First Entry

I am a good person in the making.

I want to feel love. I want to be loved. But maybe you can't have it if you fail to give it yourself.

I don't lack self-love, in fact, I think I have too much self-love in my system that it is somewhat difficult for me to give my affection towards other poeple.

First, I thought that my friends doesn't pay much attention to me, that it's just them giving each other the love that they deserve, after all, they are the 'original' and I am just a newbie in the circle that doesn't fit at all because I'm a square. They were the first to become friends that is why it should stay that way. "You're just an extra baby, you should stay that way." That is what I always think whenever I feel that I don't belong anymore.

But is it really their fault that they treat me like that? Or is it because of my lack of affection towards them? That I always say that I can manage without them. That I will be able to continue even when I am all alone. 'Strong Independent Woman' I say. Is that it? Is that the reason that we fell apart?

There is nothing really wrong with our friendship. We hang out like, always, all the time. We chitchat, talk about other poeple, backstab other poeple, like what normal girlfriends do, we always go for a stroll, boy hunting, and everything. There is no problem. Except that we are all not being totally honest with each other. We all have this unspoken words that are not allowed to be spoken. Words that are not allowed to be spoken because it might stain the friendship, it might untangle the strong bond between us. But isn't that the main reason why we are all falling apart? Because of dishonesty, because of those damn unspoken words, because of secret thought.

Secret Thoughts.

Thoughts that you are only able to realize when you are already alone, when the hangout is over and you are now alone sitting in a cab on the way home. Thoughts that came rushing to you at night when the world is in silence.

Why do I feel left out? Why do I feel like I don't belong? Do I belong? Or am I just trying to fit it the circle?