Depths of Despair

GirlFriends

Best of friends or simply Bestfriends.

If we talk about my past self, I don't do 'bestfriends', I don't like bestfriends. You'll get attached with each other, you'll fall apart, and the cycle repeats. You'll have the responsibility to tell each other everything about anything. Isn't that just so ridiculous?

But then, It feels great to have someone to talk to about your problems, to have someone you trust that you can tell them your most private thoughts. To share your 'kilig' with someone and to be able to confide with someone.

When I entered high school, I wasn't expecting a large group of friends, but maybe I was blessed that time and I had the most amazing and fun friends to have ever met, so far. And I was very thankfull for the blessing.

In a group of fifteen, there are eleven guy friends and I am only comfortable with four and two of them are gays (gay friends are the funniest) and the only three girls(except me) of the circle. The girls hang out together most of the time.

Three of the girls are best of friends since elementary and I am just a new found friend from high school.

Everyone in the circle have this uspoken 'closest' friend, but I am the only one that isn't given of that title, more like I'm the only one who doesn't have a 'besrfriend'.

At first, I was the closest with this girl Julia, but never best friend, and then things suddenly changed. The next thing I noticed, I am recently spending most of my time with this another girl friend, Ruby. And for the first time, I felt really comfortable.

I was very comfortable with her to the point that I can finally share my thoughts and could finally tell some of my stories, which, for some reason, I can't do with the rest of my friends. We clicked so much because we have the same likes, interest, and almost the same mindset.

Everything was doing fine, we we're all having fun. But, slowly, something is changing. We are drifting away, having the best of friends, this dude siding this dude, everything was changing.

Some started to have more closer friends from outside the circle, not that it's a bad thing because having a wide circle of friends is fun, but some are starting to neglect the presence some. And the four princesses have broken apart.

Maria and Ruby was hanging more often that supposed to be the hang out of four.  Anne and Julia was hanging more often that supposed to be the hang out of four.

Having no one to call best friends didn't affect me so much because we we're all fine with each other, but not for long.

I was very confident that there is nothing wrong with me, with who, and how I am as a person, for not having someone that I can share my thoughts with. But now, I don't know anymore.

I am now thinking that maybe there really is something wrong with me, that the reason I can't confide with everyone was because I have a problem with myself.
I couldn't find any permanent friend because of my personality. No one could last long with me, no one will stay with me, and no one will ever chose me. Such thing came to my mind that's making me down most of the time. I feel sad because no one can stand long on my personality. I was too much for them, I was too heavy to carry, and I have so many drama and thoughts that can't be told to anyone who'll not be ready for it. Not even Ruby, who is now the only person staying by my side.

I just wish that someday, I will find someone permanent. Someone I can trully call a friend. That can hadle my shits, that will never judge me for who I am, that will stay with me, and that I could fully trust, and could fully trust in me.

Yours,
M.