Meet My Demons.

Paint it black

Grief is weird.

I mean, it's horrifying and all things evil.

I've tossed and turned the last weeks, screaming at my brother in what I can only deem as nightmares. Why. Why.

Why.

I've drifted through the last weeks, feeling numb not only to myself but the people around me. I see them. They are always there. But I don't see them and sometimes I don't see anything at all.

Grief consumes you.

I've spent most of my days trying to make sense of the situation. Theres a letter that has been left by my brother for me to decipher, but it just doesn't make any sense. Nothing does anymore. The demons are silent.

Maybe they are laughing at the torture that I am going through.

Or maybe I am now a walking demon, trying to fight my way to the surface.

Keith has been trying his absolute hardest to comfort me but I don't really want any of it. He's been sleeping on the couch recently. I've been sleeping in his room. Surrounded by all the things he brought. Pictures of him and I when we were kids, left to fend for ourselves.

So selfish.

There was a faint knock on the hardwood door. The door was heavier than most and had to be pushed open with a lot of strength. Strength I didn't have anymore. I didn't answer, in hopes that they would go away. But they never did.

"Hey, Li" Mick walked in, bringing a bowel of something.

"Hey, Mick" I weakly smiled back at him, eyeing up the contents in the bowel.

"The boys and I made you some soup. We thought it might comfort you a bit." He smiled at me as Shirley came running into the room. She looked frazzled, hair a mess and make up no where to be seen. Hardly a wife of a rolling stone and more like a wife. Just an ordinary wife.

"Okay Lilac, its been 4 weeks now. You need to get up and at least have a shower" Shirley demanded. I mean, I cant blame her for doing so. But cant she see?

Grief consumes you.

"No" I mumbled, underneath the sheets and blankets.

I heard a sigh and felt two people sit down on the bed next to my small frame. The silence was louder than they could ever be.

"Li" A voice croaked out. A voice that once comforted me. A voice my brother believed would help me.

Keith.

I rolled over and looked at him. He offered me a small smile which made the butterflies in my stomach swim.

But he looked destroyed. The light in his eyes were long gone and dark circles sat under eyes that I fell in love with.

Though I would never tell him that.

"Hi Keith" I whispered back as he pushed his way into the room towards me.

Was I ready for a different kind of love? Was I ready for someone to be my everything?

No.

I stopped him before he came closer and gestured to the soup Mick was holding. Mick passed it to me as everyone sat down on the bed. I knew what was going on in their heads in regards to me. They knew I was paper thin.

Charlie walked in.

"Li, I called a counsellor" Charlie coughed as he stood in the doorway.

My face screwed up.

I felt like screaming.

"No...No...No..." I shook my head as the words repeatedly left my mouth.

Nobody would understand the pain that I have fallen into these past weeks. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I am all alone.

Keith walked over to me and grabbed me. This was the first time he had touched me in weeks. I felt my body collapse and a sob managed to squeak it's way out.

Then it started again. The shaking. The screaming. Trying to understand why this continues to happen to me. Keith held onto me as tight as I would allow. Soon I felt him be engulfed by someone else. Someone else had wrapped their arms around us.

Fighting through the tears to open my eyes, all I could feel was warmth. Where was this coming from?

It's coming from us, Li.

A voice in my head, but this one was different from the others. This was warm. This was light. It sounded like him.

Then I smelt it. The cologne that he brought when we were teenagers. It filled my nose and my sobs stopped. It was like a water main that had just been turned off. I lifted my head off of Keith's chest and looked around. I felt...light.

Grief works in mysterious ways.

Maybe I was hallucinating. Maybe I got it all wrong. But in that moment, in his bedroom, I felt my brother. I just knew it was him. Although on his exterior he was dark and brooding, in reality he was sunshine. He was my sunshine.

For the rest of the night, Keith just held me. I couldn't tell if it was for me or for him. Once he had fallen asleep I tip toed out of the room and made my way to the bathroom.

Walking past the living room, I saw everyone else asleep in various different places. This was my family now.

I walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on, ready to wash off what was left.