Our True Selves - Discovered

Chapter One

Dirt.

Too much dirt.

I clasped tight until my knuckles flushed white-bone, making a fist around the grey earth that had been handed to me. I could feel myself shaking. Wondering if anyone else had noticed. I had to be strong. This is what Sam would have wanted.

"Cassie...," a subtle brush of urgency passed my ear. Bringing me back out of the dark space I'd sunk into. I felt a cold, pale, wrinkled hand upon my shoulder. Oddly, it came as a comfort. "It's okay Honey. Throw the dirt...It's time to say goodbye. It's okay." The voice came from the lips of an older woman. Her name was Nora. My grandmother. I'd known her for less than two days, but already, I felt at home with her. I was just glad she was here with me. I could not do this alone.

Nora squeezed my shoulder tight. I took in a deep breath, the rain was falling slowly, but I could sense it was about to pick up. Those around me were obviously trying to be respectful; but no-body wanted to mourn in the pouring rain. Even Father Fitzpatrick seemed to want to speed-things-up.

I'm sorry Sam. Seemed There was little time for one of those, fairy-tail, dramatic, long goodbyes.

I released the gritty earth, watching it tumble and fall across the oak casket below me. That's when it hit me, this would be the last time I'd ever see it. In just a few minutes, more earth would collapse above the casket. Drowning it six feet deep, forever. It was terrifying.

I followed the pull of Nora taking me off to one side. We walked towards the line of black cars waiting for us. I took one last look over my shoulder, watching Father Fitzpatrick bless my mother's grave as the last of the funeral part disbanded.

"Goodnight, mom." I whispered, taking in a sharp breath.

--

The rain came quickly after that. I was now sitting in what was once my childhood kitchen, with Nora standing adjacent. I'd spent a good two hours taking condolences from friends and distant family members. The house was not set up for a funeral party. Moving boxes cluttered the halls, the furniture had either been passed on or sold weeks ago. The house I loved and once called home, was now an almost empty shell. Ready for the new owners to put their mark on it.

Since I was my moms only child, I'd be living with my mothers closest family member. Nora. Ironic I know, since I'd only ever seen Nora twice in my entire life. Once at my birth, and the second at my dead mother's funeral. So this entire arrangement was completely alien to me.

But I know, despite their rocky relationship, Sam would have wanted this for me. She would have wanted a safe place for me to wait out the rest of my teenage years. So, I was moving across the country, to do just that.

"Well, that's the last of em'." Nora came in from the living room, I hadn't even noticed we were now the only two left in the house.

"You like tired honey, you should go get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow."

I smiled softly, knowing Nora meant well. "Yeah...I think a shower and sleep is exactly what I need." I stood up from the counter, but stopped at the door. I'm not so sure why, but I had the urge to wrap my arms around the small, grey haired woman. But I stopped myself half way, instead I simply thanked her, then made my way to the bathroom.

--

I wasn't a dress kind-of-girl. I was more of a jeans and jacket kind-of-girl. So looking at my 5ft 5inch frame, wrapped in a tight fitting, black pencil dress, was odd. I zipped myself out of it, letting it rest at my feet. With the shower running, I began to untwist my hair.

I really hated my hair. It was the colour of carrots. Thick, frizzy and long. Sam rarely ever let me cut it. She said my hair made me unique. But to me, it was a nuisance. I couldn't bare the thought of trying to cut it now.

I looked at my face in the mirror, my green eyes were framed by thick lashes and rounded cheeks. I looked like shit. I looked, different...

I welcomed the hot drops of water against my cold skin. The sound of the drumming drowned out my surroundings and I felt myself sink down, tucking my legs close to my chest. My eyes closed, I was trying to picture her face, trying to see her green eyes mirroring mine. But nothing. I couldn't see her...So I cried. Thankful for the water, muting my sobbing.