MY ANSWERED PRAYER

CHAPTER 6: PERPETUAL PAIN

Nandini: I feel empty, I feel broken. I'm in pain... all the time. No matter how hard I try, I just can't help myself. I feel like I'm losing control. It's just hard. Everyday is difficult and even more challenging. Years.... I've spent years trying to heal but the truth is that I have moved only backwards. The harder I try to move on, the deeper I find myself buried under the pain of my past.

I can never forget those eyes, the most beautiful and honest eyes that once had so much love for me. I broke him. The last time I looked into his eyes, I couldn't see love in them but pain and anger and tears. The eyes that once loved me, had questions in them that day. I'll never forget those eyes. 

I had craved for that kind of love, a bunch of people, I could call mine and I found him, I found them but everything changed, my life changed and I lost everybody, I lost him. It hurts. I don't have a purpose in life anymore. My work keeps me alive but am I actually living? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just can't control my emotions. I spend hours thinking about my past. 

Pratik: Only you can help yourself. You have to start living in your present. You have to leave behind your past. You have to forget him.

Nandini: I can run away from his memories but I can't forget him. I don't want to forget him. 

Pratik: Nandini give life a chance. You'll fall in love again. 

Nandini: For the last time, I love him and will always do. He was everything I ever wanted. He called me his star but in reality he was my star, my brightest star. No wonder, I'm fighting darkness without him (laughs sadly). I know that I might never see him again in this life but he was, he is and will always be the one.

Pratik: I've known you for a long time now. I'm not just your shrink but a friend too. Tell me honestly, have you started taking all those pills again?

Nandini remained quiet but in her silence Pratik found his answer.

Pratik: You know those medicines aren't good for you. You have to help yourself. Those pills are a temporary solution. 

Nandini: Pratik, I know that those pills are a temporary solution but I really need them like I need these sessions to stay sane. 

NANDINI'S HOUSE

It was around 2 am but Nandini kept tossing and turning in her bed. Sleep was far far away from her and in that moment she knew what she had to do. She got up and went to the balcony with a diary and a jar. She sat there feeling the wind and staring at the sky or to be precise, the stars. However, she couldn't star gaze for long as her eyes welled up. She couldn't help but wonder how her life changed completely. She looked towards the jar and laughed at her own miseries. The fireflies didn't glow anymore. The stars weren't her source of peace anymore.

She opened the diary and started writing. This diary wasn't any ordinary diary but it contained Nandini's love, the pure love that she had for her man. She was aware of the fact that she might never meet or even see Manik, let alone talk to him so she started writing letters to Manik. The diary contained love letters that sadly will never be read by anyone. Writing letters was important to Nandini. She felt alive when she wrote them. 

Nandini generally would try to not to think of him or her past but she wasn't that strong always. Sometimes she would just breakdown and that happened mostly after her sessions. The sessions were the only time when she talked about her feelings and pain. The session would end but controlling her emotions and thoughts would become impossible and thus on those days, she would find herself sitting in her balcony writing to him.

Nandini completed her letter and moved back into the room. She couldn't stand straight. Her tears were unstoppable. This was not the first time when she had experienced pain but she just couldn't control herself today. Her head was bursting and she wasn't in a state to think. She just wiped her tears harshly and gulped some pills. After a minute, when she still couldn't feel her pain decreasing, she once again opened the drawer and gulped in more pills. She kept crying until darkness engulfed her and she stopped feeling.