THE ADDICTION

THE ADDICTION

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How could I have become so nothing

to in turn become so much,

and then have it all crash -

so fast, so hard?

I detest this being inside of me

It can be transparent and weak

and then, just when I'm not watching

it becomes The Power,

The Force - it controls me, devastates me,

wants to suffocate and kill me

Dear God, don't let it destroy me.

It's come again and I'm dangling by a thread -

the guilt, the pain, the struggle,

the remorse, the plain non-living existence.

So sad, so worthless, so God-forsaken nothing.

But there's still something

in that nothingness -

it's beginning to rise above -

it's shaky, but it's all I have.

It's trying to emerge as The Power,

The Force...the conflict, the turbulence,

the confusion,

this never ending battle.

And no answers, no promises, no guarantees -

just stone cold reality.

It's cold and sadistic and

laughs in my face -

caught once again.

A way out?

There's one - and only one.

The strength to take it?

It's been choked and watered down

To a half-assed desire.

An eternal merry-go-round...

got to get off the other foot 

and stop the half measures.

It's all or nothing -

It's simple, but so complex

DAMN IT - STAND UP!

STOP crawling...STOP crawling...

...get up....

I WON'T let it kill me.

Originally written 1980

(An excerpt from I Feel Color, Copyright 2012 by Laurie Winkelmann)