"Life is always bitter"
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Ang mga huling salita na sinabi ni Doctor Franco ang mas tumatak sa isipan ko. You are killing them. I looked to the bright skies above me and tries to calm down. Pagkatapos akong pagalitan ni Doctor Franco ay tumakbo ako papunta sa rooftop ng hospital. Totoo naman, palagi akong nagkakamali. I covered my face with my hands and started shaking again. My anxiety is taking over. Gusto ko nalang maglaho dahil sa kapalpakan ko. Paano nalang kung may nangyaring masama sa pasyente ko? Paano kung namatay siya? Mabuti nalang na check agad ni Doctor Franco. Pero paano kung hindi siya pumunta? Paano kung nahuli siya?
Tinampal ko ang aking ulo " ang bobo mo kasi Maine, bobo ka"
"No, you are not" napalingon ako sa pinanggalingan ng boses sa likod ko.
Doctor Levi, kaedad ko rin siya pero isa siyang psychiatric doctor and the heir of this hospital, is sitting comfortable in one of the benches in the rooftop. Naging kaklase ko siya sa isang subject sa med school and we actually became friends.Unlike me, matalino at magaling na doctor.
I took a deep breath and straighten my posture before talking to him.
"Kanina ka pa ba diyan?"
"Yup" prenteng sagot nito.
He is a half filipino kaya nakakaintindi siya ng tagalog although he was born and raised in New York.
"Look, you are depressed" I rolled my eyes on him. Here we go again.
"You need a break" tumayo siya at tumabi sa akin sa railings ng rooftop
"Kaya ko pa"
Kaya ko pa naman talaga. Kailangan ko lang talagang masanay. I just need to do more and be more. I need to push more. Nandito na ako. Hindi ako pwedeng umalis at talikuran ang lahat ng pinaghirapan ko. It took me so long, too long to be here.
"No, you are not!" pagalit siyang humarap sa akin " I've been observing you for months Maine, hindi ka maayos. Just a little more and you are going to break down. You think, hindi ko mapapansin, you are taking sleeping pills. You are showing a sign of depression Maine!"
Ginulo ko ang aking buhok at tinignan ang mga matatayog na buildings sa harap. He is right. I take sleeping pills kasi hindi ako matulog, nahihirapan akong matulog. Ayoko ring mapaginipan siya.
"What do you want me to do, then?quit? Ganoon lang? After everything, mag ququit lang ako?" Hindi ko mapigilang tumaas ang boses ko. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa galit. Just thinking of quitting is killing me.
"No Maine. I don't want you to quit. I want you to take a break. I want you to solve your problem. I want you to be the Maine I met in med school." Pumupugay ang kanyang mga mata sa akin.
Mapait akong ngumiti. How I wish I could still be that Maine. Pero ang hirap maging ganoon na Maine. Ang hirap. Hindi ko alam kung paano bumalik.
There was a minute of silence before he spoke again.
"The hospital will be having a training program in the Philippines in coordination to WHO Maine. You will be giving trainings and medical missions there. It won't gonna be big operations Maine. Just check ups and that might help you Maine. I talked to Dad, nirecommend kita"
The city lights are always beautiful. Looking out to this great view makes me forget all my problems momentarily. Maybe Ian is right. Limang taon na rin simula ng umalis ako at since then, hindi pa ako nakakauwi. I cannot just deny the fact that I am having anxiety and depression and if I keep doing this, baka mangyari ang sinabi ni Doctor Franco. Mas nanginig ang aking kamay just thinkin gof what he said to me. No, it won't happen. I am going to be better.
Huminga ako ng malalim at kinalma ang sarili. This is only going to be a 3 months program, Maine. This is a vacation Maine.
"It might also be the time to go home Maine"
Hearing a word, home, made my heart ache, I don't know where is home anymore. I have no home.
