Falling In

Coming - 1

"Dee!" the crackling voice screeched through my phone. I pulled it away from my ear, cringing.

"Hey-"

"You!... You should come hang out with us!" Her voice was full of enthusiasm. "It's LIT!" She then went "Whooohh!" very loudly out into the house party. I could hear her boyfriend Shawn's hearty chuckle.

"I-I don't know Bennie...it's not really my scene-"

She sobbed at me, "Dee-hee-hee...Please? I just know if you come out you'll love it here!"

I groaned, aware that I will not, but doing my best to ignore that. "Alright, fine. I'm on my way,"

"Yea-!"

I hung up before she could deafen me and got my stuff together. I've known Bennie for a couple of years now. She's really energetic and social. It's no wonder I got sucked in. I met her in the middle of a gym class. I'm not one to start conversation, but she was talking to me like we were already friends. I didn't even recognize her then.

"I'm going to a friend's house!" I called from the door.

"Okay! Don't...die or anything," Said my mom from the other room.

I stepped out of the door into the fresh night air and made my way to a bus stop.

I don't know why I do all this for Ben. She always convinces me to go out of my way for stuff I'd never go to without her.

There's something about the way she talks to you. The way she looks in your eyes. It feels like she cares for a moment. Like your everything and she could never leave you behind.

And then all of a sudden she does. For some guy who treats her like nothing.

I have a huge crush on Bennie. But she has no idea. Doesn't even know she's leading me on. And, sometimes I just think How could she not? How can she not know how it makes me feel when she looks at me a little too long. Or when she chooses to hang out with me over other friends. Or when she tells me I look cute. When she looks at me like I'm her favorite person. How can she not see that?

Why can't I tell her?

I rub a hand into my forehead. Its been like this for a while. Almost as long as I've known her.

And just as long as she's been dating Shawn.

After meeting her new boyfriend and seeing her in his arms it made me realize something I very much did not want to confront.

I want that.

I want that so damn bad. And I wish I didn't. Because I'm not gonna get the straight girl. I'm not gonna get the happy ending. I'm not even gonna get the guts to get out of this situation. If I tell her...who knows. Maybe she'll call me something not so nice. Maybe her boyfriend will beat me up. Or maybe I just won't ever see her again.

And I don't want that stuff.

So now here I go, off to see her. Off to be ultimately disappointed in this seemingly un-escapable cycle of frustration.

It almost makes me hate her. Like, if she hadn't talked to me. If she were forgettable enough to leave. Then I wouldn't be on a bus to Shawn's house. To see his stupid friends get drunk. I bet they got Bennie drunk too, bastards. It wouldn't be the first time.

I really don't get what she likes about those parties. Or Shawn's friends. Or Shawn. I've never really seen any appeal to the guy. I may be gay, but regardless of attraction, he's just not the best guy. He gets drunk in his basement every other night and is crazy possessive over Bennie.

They're only ever physically affectionate from what I've seen. It's like, when she says, "Love you," he says,

"Uh-huh."

It sucks. And I think she knows that. But straight girls are wild and I've never really understood them. I think Bennie kinda knows that. I came out to her a while back. As anxious as I can get about saying I'm gay for her, I didn't feel too bad about gay in general. And she didn't either, apparently. She even started pestering me about what girls I thought were cute.

She'd always accuse me of getting crushes on girls in my classes. I had a very butch looking lab partner last semester and she would not shut up. It's nice to see that the boy crazy extends to gay friends. I wouldn't have really expected that. I didn't really know what to expect when I came out.

I remember weighing the outcomes and deciding, screw it. Gotta do it at some point.

So, I went into that conversation half expecting Bennie to disown me and she was actually really accepting. It was nice. But I couldn't help but feel so weird about it all because I was still lying about liking her.

I don't really know when I plan on telling her. It's a weird thing to admit. And it's not like I have any hope of her feeling the same way. I know she doesn't. All the time I've known her has made that pretty clear. So why even tell her? There's nothing I could get from that. No benefit other than a light weight off my chest. And certainly not a pressing issue to be dealt with tonight.

No, I have other things to deal with tonight. Namely Shawn and his girlfriend.

I stop in front of the building housing them and the merry band of drunkards and take a deep breath.

~~

Thanks for reading my first chapter. I'd love to hear what you think in the comments and I'm always open to feedback. If you enjoyed it I'd be very greatful if you left a vote.  Have a good day, readers.