Falling In

Admitting - 6

Oh no, oh no, oh no. That was not good.

My head bobs and sinks as I rush out of Shawn's bedroom and through the house.

What did I just do? I feel..I feel...

Something deep in my throat and hanging in my stomach churns and snakes through me. Shivering, I make a beeline for the back door and retch it out on Shawn's back steps. I wiped my mouth and tipped my back and breathe for a minute. My thoughts whine through me and my head pounds and everything in me just feels like shit.

Oh, what did I do tonight? I almost... Dee... oh no. And Shawn, oh fuck. I almost cheated on him. In his bed. I feel like I could throw up again.

I swallow my nerves and gather a bolder appearance, if still slurred from tonight, and walk back into the house.

"Hey, babe,"

"Hey! Um...I..." I hold the word for a little too long, "I need to go home, I think." His mouth opens to talk but I cut him off, "It's been..." my eyes widen, "A night. I think I should maybe get some sleep."

On Monday I walk into school feeling pretty bad. I just can't stop thinking about Saturday. About what I did. And about Diana.

She makes me feel sick to a point that I don't think I can breathe. Every time I see her there's something in the back of my head that wants me to look away and forget her because I'm not supposed to look at her the way I do. I don't want to look at her the way I do. But I do. Because there's just something about her. And she's always there. And there are so many things I need to tell her that I don't because...because it'll end up like Saturday night.

And I can't let that happen again.

So I walk into school on Monday. And I try not to look at her. And I don't speak to her. I don't really talk much at all today. I just sit. And I think about her. And I wonder how I'm going to keep this up.

And at the end of the day when I'm getting my things from my locker, they fall out of my hands. I scramble to pick them up because I know Dee is at the end of this hallway. I can hear everyone else leave. I hear her walk up to me. So I stand up with my stuff and turn to face her.

"I need to catch a bus." It's a bad excuse. I look down.

"You walk home." her voice cracks a bit. She knows its a bad excuse. "What were you about to do the other night?"

My eyes widen and I look at anything but her.

"Come on, admit it. To me. To yourself." I looked her straight in the eyes. It was getting harder to breathe. "What did you do on Saturday night?"

"I..." I started very unsurely. What could I even do now? "I tried to kiss you," the words settled in, "On my boyfriend's bed." I got quieter. I shook my head, "Nope, nope, I'm leaving." She put her arm in front of me. " I said I'm leaving." I got one last look at her face before the sting in my eye became too much and I bolted away.

By the time I got home, I had realized something. Avoiding her was not going to work. So now I have no idea what to do. She clearly wanted answers. But I'm not sure what she wants to hear. Is she offended because she thinks I think she'd want to kiss me just cause she's gay or something? Because I wouldn't do that. Is she just generally really confused? Does she maybe...like me?

That actually hadn't really occurred to me before. Like, of course, I've thought about it but not seriously. Is it true?

Does it even matter if it is? What would I do, break up with Shawn and be with her? I laugh to myself for a very quick second before realizing yes I actually could break up with Shawn and be with her. If she likes me.