By Your Side

Tell Me Something

"Jesse, I need to go to work." I told him.
   After graduating from college, me and Jesse moved into an apartment in New York together. Most of the other girls live in New York. Chloe lives about thirty minutes away, at her own apartment, which is also where I like to spend most of my time.
   Jesse and I haven't been in the best place since we graduated. I always feel like he's hiding something from me. He seems distant. It's not that I don't love him anymore, it's just we don't have the same connection that we did.
   "Ok." Jesse mumbled.
   "Ok, I'm gonna go now."
   "Have fun." He was staring at his phone.
    I started to walk over to the door. "So you won't even kiss me now?"
   He looked up from his phone and stared at me. "If you wanted a kiss why didn't you ask?"
   "Because that's just something we did. Whenever one of us left for work the other one would give them a kiss." 
   "Beca, I didn't think you wanted me to kiss you."
   "Why?"
   "Because we barely even talk anymore."
    He was right. We don't really talk anymore.
    "But you're my boyfriend. Whatever. I can't deal with this right now. I need to go."
    "Do you want a kiss still?"
    "I don't care anymore!" I yelled.
    "Well then why did you even ask?!" He yelled back.
    I walked out to the hallway and put my head on the door. I just needed to take a second to breathe. I let a few tears escape. After I wiped my eyes I went over to the elevator and waited.
   Once I was in the elevator I called Chloe.
    "Hey, Becs. What's up?" She said.
    "Can I come over after work today?" I walked out of the elevator and out to my car.
   "Yeah. You know you can always come over. But, Beca, I think you need to talk to Jesse."
   "What do you mean?" I asked, starting the car.
    "You know what I mean."
    I did know what she meant.
"I'll see you later Becs."
"Yeah. See you later, Chlo."
I hung up and started driving. I worked at a studio, where I produced and made music. It's not totally where I want to be, but anything's better then staying home with Jesse all day.
Jesse works from home on Mondays and Thursdays. The other days he's also at the studio, just in a different part of the building. We used to work together but soon realized that was a bad idea.
The studio was about twenty minutes away from our place, but only ten minutes away from chloe's place.
The drive went fast today. There wasn't a lot of traffic when I left early.
I walked inside and went to the booth. Since today was Thursday, I was one of the only ones working.
There were a few other people who worked but mainly for the extra money or, for the same reason as me, they didn't want to be home with their significant other all day.
Chloe worked everyday, so she rarely is able come see me at work. But she tries. Amy sometimes comes and hangs out with me on Thursdays and Fridays.
I started to mess around with some of the stuff in the studio and then started to sing.
I usually do this when there's nothing I have to do. It helped pass time.

By the time I was done it was already twelve thirty, so I grabbed my bag and took out the food I had packed.
Jesse used to bring me lunches on Thursdays, but we stopped that a while ago.
"Hey, Beca, you can leave early today. Unless you're doing something later." Gabe told me.
Gabe's my boss. He owns the studio and produces music. He and Jesse aren't so close, so he gets that I like to stay at the studio longer then I have to.
"Um, Ok." I was staring at my feet.
"Oh, are you going straight home?"
"No. I'm going to Chloes."
"Oh, ok. Have fun."
"Yep."
I put my head down on my arm. I felt something dripping on my cheeks as I moved my head. I put my hand under my eye and felt the tears falling. I quickly wiped it away and fanned my eyes.
"Beca, are you ok?"
He surprised me since I thought he had left.
"I'm fine. Just had a bad morning."
"You say that a lot."
"Yeah, because it's true."
"Ok, well, just stay safe."
"I am."
He shook his head. "I'll see you later."
"Yep."

At four I decided I should tell chloe I was coming earlier.
"Hey Chlo."
"Hi, everything all right?" She seemed concerned.
"Yeah. I'm just gonna be at your place like an hour earlier the I thought I was."
"Oh, ok. Well I'm on my way back now, so see you soon."
"Yep. Bye."
"Bye."
I hung up and grabbed my bag. I needed a breather.
I walked outside and let the sun just shine on my face. It felt nice to be outside. To just escape from reality.
I looked at my car for a few minutes and then got in it.
I put some music on and started driving. Chloe was probably home by now, so I just went there.
There was more people on the street then I had expected there to be. I didn't call Jesse so I tried to call him. I hesitated before I called him. Our calls usually give me more anxiety then our conversations at home give me. I guess it's better then at home though. If one of us gets upset I can just hang up, but if I do that there's more yelling at home. And that goes for when he does it too.
I called him, put the phone on speaker and waited for him to pick up.
"Huh?" He answered.
"Wow, that's how you answer the phone?" Getting mad at each other for every little thing, seems to be the way we've been handling things lately. It's just easier.
"Beca, don't do this."
"Do what?!" I yelled.
"Beca, just tell me what's wrong and then we can end this conversation!"
"Ugh! I'm going over to Chloes house! I'll be home later!"
"Ok, bye!"
"Bye!" I threw my phone onto the passenger seat. "Ugh!!" Like I said before, our conversations stress me out and give me anxiety.
    As I pulled into the parking lot of Chloes building, I picked up my phone and slid it into my pocket. I turned the car off and just sat there. I put my hands on my face and pressed on my forehead. I moved my head so that the only thing I could see were my legs. That's when let the tears just stream down. Letting myself cry felt like the best thing to do. Sometimes you just can't hold the tears back anymore.
   After a few minutes, I wiped my eyes and decided to go inside. I grabbed my bag and keys and headed up to Chloes appartement.
    She lived on the second floor so I usually just walked up the steps. It was also the best way to go when I was trying to avoid people.
   Once I reached her door, I knocked once and opened it.
    "I'm here." I called out, "Chlo?"
    "I'm in the kitchen." She called back.
     I kicked my shoes off and threw my bag to the ground. Then took my hair out of the tight ponytail I had put it in this morning, and let it fall.
    I walked around the corner to the kitchen. I leaned against the doorframe and looked at Chloe.
    She was wearing sweats and her hair was in a bun. She looked cute. She was putting something in the refrigerator, I couldn't tell what it was. Then she looked over at me and gave me a strange look.
    "Have you been crying?" She asked, walking over to me.
    "Is it that bad? I put on waterproof mascara."
    "No, your makeup's fine. Only a best friend could tell."
    "Oh."
    She turned on the sink, put her hand under the faucet and then dabbed her finger under my eyes.
   "There, now you just look really tired." She smiled her perfect smile at me.
   "Really? You can make someone look tired from putting water under their eye?" I kinda mumbled this, so I wasn't sure if she was purposely not answering my question, because she just didn't want me to think I looked like I had been crying for the last ten minutes or just didn't hear it. Probably purposely. It was cute when she said stupid stuff to try and make me happy, so I just smiled back at her.
   "Why are you wearing waterproof mascara?" She asked.
    "For this exact reason." I said, pointing to my face.
    "No, I get that. But, what I meant to say is, why are you crying? Why are you still with Jesse? If he makes you cry, why are you with him?"
    "I don't know. Because I love him?" It was more of a question then a statement.
    "No you don't. Do you even sleep in the same bed anymore?"
    I shook my head no, while staring at my feet.
   "Ah, Becs." She wrapped her arms around me, "Come here."
  I started to cry again. I put my face on her shoulder and closed my eyes. Her right hand was playing with my hair, while her left was rubbing my back.
   She walked us out of the kitchen and to the couch. She let go of me and fell onto the couch and quickly snuggled up next to her and put my face back onto her shoulder. I felt protected with her.
   She played with my hair and kissed the top of my head. Then she put her hand under my chin.
   She looked as if she was about to say something, but stopped and stared at me. I stared back. Her hand was still under my chin and her eyes were still starting, intently, and mine. I moved my face closer to hers, but she quickly moved hers. Almost as if she had just realized what was happening.
   "Um," she shook her head.
   "Yeah." I laughed.
   She looked back at me.
   "You ok?" She asked. Her beautiful eyes looked worried.
   "I. . . I don't know anymore." That wasn't true. I did know. I was ok with her. Not with Jesse.
   "You have to end this."
   "I don't know how to." I wiped away the tears that were still falling down my face.
   "I'll help you. You just have to end it. I can be there. Then one of you can leave the apartment. Make him leave."
   "No. If one of us leaves, it's going to be me. If I break up with him, I never want to see that apartment again." I stated.
   "Well, then you can move in with me. I have two extra bedrooms." She pointed to hallway.
   "You would do that for me?"
   "Of course. Anything for you."
   I looked up at her with a small smile on my face.
   "Aw, I love when give me that smile." She smiled back at me.
  I loved her smile. But I never told her that.
  "Can we watch a movie now?" She asked, while turning on the TV.
  "Yeah." I moved so that I was facing the TV, but still snuggled into her side.
  She put her arm around my shoulder and laid her head on mine.
  "Wait!" She said dramatically. "You will break up with Jesse, right?"
  "I'll try."
  She gave me and upset look.
  "What? I'll try."
  "Whatever, we'll talk about it tomorrow." She proceeded to turn on the TV.
  I snuggled back into her side and let my head fall to her shoulder.

We must've fallen asleep sometime after we ate. Because the next thing I knew, my head was on her lap and hers was on side of the couch. Her arm was around my waist.
   I slowly moved her arm off of me so I could get up. I looked outside to see that it was pitch black. I quickly picked up my phone and checked what time it was. Twelve. We must've been asleep for at least four hours.
Then I remember Jesse. I had to get home.
"Chloe!" I shook her arm, "Chloe wake up!"
She moved her arm away from me and slowly sat up.
"What?" She said in a tired tone.
"It's twelve. Jesse's gonna be so mad at me."
"Which is why you shouldn't be with him."
"No, but I would do the same thing."
She rolled her eyes at me. "And that somehow changes why shouldn't be together?"
"No, I, whatever. I have to go home."
"Beca, it's twelve o'clock. You're not going home now. You're tired. Just stay here and go home tomorrow. You have clothes here."
"No, I can't. Jesse is going to hate me. I have to go."
"Beca, I just want you to be safe. And I don't think going home right now would be safe."
"I'll call you when I get home."
She stared at me for a long time. "Please, if anything happens, come right back to me, ok?"
"Yeah. Chlo, he's not going to hurt me."
"But, please just be safe."
"I will. He's not going to hurt me. He would never do that."
She wrapped her arms around me, after I had all my stuff in my hands.
"I love you." She said.
"I love you too."
"Be safe." She called, when I reached the door.
"I will." I waved goodbye.
She waved back.
I quickly headed to my car and drove home.
I tried to drive I little slower then I usually do, but I made it home fine.
I got to my apartment and tried to unlock the door, but it wasn't locked. That was weird. Jesse usually always has it locked, unless he had just come home.
I walked inside and saw Jesse putting something on the coffee table.
He turned around to look at me.
"Did you just get home?" I asked.
"Um, no." He sounded like he was lying.
"Ok. . . I was with Chloe. I lost track of time and fell asleep."
"Ok." He was still looking at me.
"What?" It was getting annoying.
He walked over to me and put his hand on my cheek, then put his right hand on my waist. I moved my face closer for some reason. Then he kissed me. I kissed him back. He moved us over to the couch. We did this for a few minutes, but we weren't gonna go further.
I felt nothing towards him.
"No, Jesse." I pushed his hand away. "We can't do this."
He just looked at me like he understood.
"You know how every time in college, when we would kiss, we would fall in love again? Well. . . I don't fall in love with you anymore."
He looked down at his hands.
"Yeah, I get it." He said.
"Let's just go to bed." I started to get up.
"Yeah."
I walked into my room. Jesse usually slept in the extra bedroom.
I took a quick shower and got into my pajamas.
I got into my bed and turned over on my side. I let a few tears escape.
"Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?"
I thought for a minute. "Ok, but only if we have pillows between us."
"Yeah."
I put a bunch of pillows between us and then he got in the bed.
I rolled over on my left side and he rolled onto his right.
I fell asleep quickly. I think he did too.

I woke up around seven, from Jesse's phone ringing.
I reached over to grab it and turn it off.
It said Nicole. After I saw who was calling it stoped.
There was a bunch of text messages from her. Apparently they were with each other last night. I didn't open his phone but there were at least fourteen messages in the notifications.
They had been sleeping together.
I put the phone down and looked at him.
"JESSE!"