7 February, 2019
Withdrawal - you can be addicted to people the way one becomes addicted to heroin or crack. It's a part of you, you hunger after it, feel substantial loss without it. That's how I occasionally feel sometimes with us. I'm leaning in and I can't see anything because I'm so infatuated and just heavily in it with you, but then you do that thing. The super panicky, anxious thing where you go limp in my arms and cement these impenetrable walls that keep me out. So I have to teach myself how to be without you until the mood passes. I have to lay up at night and deal with the itch to reach out, type out a million and one lovey texts, deplete myself of the desire to be your everything. Essentiatlly I have to make you seem like you aren't a big deal. Just easily fucking disposable until the next time you want me comes around. It does get a little tiring, I'll admit, but we're getting older. Like, school's behind us. We're at the age where if we got married no one would scold us...if we had kids it'd be celebrated and a mostly joyous thing for everyone included. Like, this is life and it's propelling forward and I'm wondering why this type of stuff is still happening. You once told me it's as if a seed has sprouted within you. It'll be something I say, something you overheard, always some irrelevant something that you helplessly latch onto, fixate, and it's all you think about. And it always involves us. When we were kids I didn't mind it as much. We're young and growing so if you broke up with me right this second I'd cry for maybe three months and possibly even destroy my emotional wellbeing entirely, but that's just a blip. Stuff like that happens and the reason why I'm not gonna give you shit for it is because you're allowed to feel like you need to pull back. No pressure, ever. But yeah, we were younger. We're graduating into different stages of lives and we used to be pretty much parallel. I'm on this side, you're there and we don't pass ever honestly, but I see. As do you. This whole relationship is built off of coexisting, mutual understanding, you being at point A and me forever residing in point B. I don't need to know everything and I like that we have those untouched corners. It's great honestly. It matters a little more now however. Drinking until the sunrise, inebriated, uncoordinated, and lost because of me. Talking to people who merely want to use, galvanizing with dangerous stuff, stupid stuff then you pinpoint it all on me. In every situation involving you being inconvenienced or in peril it irrevocably trails its way back to me as if I'm the common denominator. But you don't tell me any of this. I have to dig into your psyche myself and coax it out of you so carefully otherwise you'll crumble right beneath me. You'll be gone forever. It really, truly matters now. You can't cower away if there's an issue. If the issue is us you need to tell me. Seriously. You're wilting and dancing somewhere. Somewhere secluded and isolating yourself and it's my responsibility to center you again. You're annoyed and frustrated and want to fix it all and sometimes these things don't get fixed. Sometimes people don't work even if you've given yourself to them a million times over and have stitched every meaningful sentiment into your heart just for them. The love feels timeless and everlasting but once it isn't, it just isn't. Are we over? Permanently? I think so. I hope so. There's only so many times a person can cut themselves off from something they so desperately yearn for. You go in and out and in and out and the yo yoing is gross. I shudder at the thought of breaking the pattern since we play it out so wonderfully, but if I left it up to you you'd be unhappy forever. Still wilting, still kissing me and pretending. I'm gonna go. Cold turkey, I guess. So withdrawal. I might call and break down and beg you so, so many times to let me back in but it's critical. You have this thing and I guess it really just doesn't sit well with me. You're never satisfied you know. Six years we've been playing this game and it's so ongoing and tedious, so yeah I'm bored. Deviation is okay. Other people exist. Loneliness isn't eternal. And, finally, I'll love you. That doesn't ever stop I believe. Even if it dims and turns more platonic than anything, it'll be a part of me silently beaming inside. You won't die for me. Then there's just the fact that your happiness means absolutely everything. If all that good shit is guaranteed...if all I have to do is stop this then I'll do it. Yeah. Yes, I'll do it. I just hope that everything that's about to happen to me you feel it too. That these years meant something to you and even though it's done and we're finished, a piece of you is still beaming for me. Maybe. Hopefully.
