Exaltation

Chapter 16

 I'm working on trying, desperately, to figure out some of my biology homework when Kris walks in. She'd arrived back late last night, and I was already fast asleep, so I haven't seen her since we got back from break.

"Hey!" She says brightly, walking over to her side of the room and plopping down into her desk chair.

"Hey," I reply. "Did you have a good trip home? Sorry I passed out last night."

"No problem at all, my flight was super delayed! And yeah, I did. I missed my dad and my dog a lot more than I realized," she answers. I smile down at my notebook, which is currently covered in class notes I can't even begin to explain.

"Same with my mom and my cat," I retort. She grins.

"So you survived your first few hours back without me?" She asks. I look up at her and raise my eyebrows.

"Yes. Yes I did. Also...before you got back, Stef and I made it official," I find myself saying. For a moment, her grin falters. Or maybe I'm just making that up. After all, I figure that rather than confronting the elephant in the room, it's better to tell her this instead. Rather than discussing the kiss, I'm telling her— without telling her— that I have a boyfriend now, and it really, really, really can't happen.

"That's very exciting," she replies. I nod and turn a page in my notebook. "What are you working on?"

"Biology. Unfortunately. I need to be a bio major, but I'm... struggling, to say the least."

"Oh! I'm no STEM major, but I took the AP in high school. Do you need any help?" She asks, already standing up from her chair.

"I'm okay. Thanks, though," I answer. She shrugs and sits back down.

"Okay, I won't bother you. But have you at least been to your professor's office hours?" She questions. I feel my heartbeat quicken in my chest. After everything that happened with Ms. Adams, going to see my professors one-on-one sounds like a complete nightmare. I wish I could, of course, but I can't. What if they—

"Yeah," I say quickly. She stares at me for an extra second, her eyes boring holes into my own, before looking down at a book she's pulled out of her backpack and now has splayed across her desk.

"Well, I'm here if you need me," she replies. I mumble a quick thanks before turning back to my work.

Still, like a broken record, my mind yet again returns to my writing. As I try to memorize endless information about promoters and ligation, I think to myself, over and over again, the beautiful and almost terrifying ways we learn to give, receive, borrow, return. Give, receive, borrow, return.

*

As I continue to go through the day, I feel almost like I'm floating. I eat dinner with Margot, Ellie, and a few other friends from the hall, but even with a full stomach, there's an emptiness there that reminds me all too much of how I'd felt a few months ago. Like I'm breaking a little bit. By the time I arrive at Stef's room that evening, my shoulders are so heavy I almost buckle over myself.

This isn't supposed to happen, I think. I patched up this hole so recently. It can't be happening again.

"What's wrong?" Stef asks as he sits down next to me on his bed. I look at him. There he is. This man who let me take his heart in his hands. Who doesn't even tear the skin when he touches me. I feel my eyes begin to water. And, like last time, the tears begin to fall.

"Hey," he says quietly, taking me up in his arms. "Talk to me."

"I..." My voice is high-pitched as I try to not let out a sob.

"There's just... a lot I need to tell you," I say, moving my gaze from his face to down at my hands. Almost as quickly as I had started crying, I soon stop. He shrugs.

"I have time," he replies. I smile slightly and think about how to approach what I know I need to tell him. In the end, he's my boyfriend. And he deserves to know at least some stuff.

"When I was in high school... it was like a black hole. I was so unhappy, and so overwhelmed, and I never... I never thought I'd make it here. To college. For a while, when I was a junior, I went to a therapist, and she diagnosed me with depression. I stopped going to see her my senior year because I knew there were things I couldn't tell her, and it just made me feel worse, but... yeah. That's why I sometimes break down like this," I explain. He moves one of my hands around one of mine.

"I honestly figured you had some mental stuff going on. I'm not that blind," he teases. I laugh and pull off my boots.

"Can we... can we just go to bed tonight?" I ask.

"Of course. I'll grab you a t-shirt," he answers immediately. I pull off my jeans and sweater before lying down on his bed. He returns to me a minute later with one of his shirts, which I gladly slide on.

"Thanks," I whisper, letting him envelop me as we lie there together, his stomach pressed firmly against my back. His desk lamp is still on, but it makes everything look better. Like there's a difference between what I see when my eyes are closed and when they're open.

Maybe he knows I like that, I ponder before thinking the better of it. No. He just forgot to turn it off. After all, he falls asleep in seconds, no matter the situation. I listen to him breathe heavily next to me. His limbs have already gone slack.

For some reason, my mind wanders to Kris. How she would have reacted if I'd told her about my diagnosis. I figure that she would have been a bit better about it. She would have questioned me, sure, but not too much; after all, she knows exactly how to pressure me without making me combust. She too would have confided something in me, something that matched another feeling I'd had at some point, and then, maybe, like ships passing a little to close together in the night, she would have kissed me—

No. I can't be thinking about that. I have a boyfriend, and he knows enough without knowing too much, and his heart is still stored somewhere deep inside of me.

Still. I can't help but wonder who in this world believes me to be so beautiful I cannot be forgotten.