Finding Hope

Close eyes, breath deep, think think think think.

He walked home, the rain falling heavy, trying not to think about anything and think about everything all at once -

He doesn't know why he's upset, why he is surprised, he knew this would happen. He wished that he had never opened the mouth that held the snakes' venom of truth, that he had never said aloud and to the air and to the listening ears and the eager eyes and the shocked expressions and the little "o's" that formed with their twisted mouths and their disgusted eyes

But he did and he did and he couldn't take it back not the words that left his broken mouth not the taste of them on his tongue just as he could not take away the looks from them as they stared, stared, stared -

How foolish he was, to think that one day, one day, he would find love and hope and dreams and a family -

Family is like trying to swim when tied to an anchor sometimes.

He heard it before and thought it was true and then he found his new family and thought how false and oh how it proved to be true how it proved to be true.

He walked the city limits out onto the sand and stared at the sky and the sky stared back and he felt the rain but could no longer feel his tears because his tears were the rain or maybe the rain was his tears he no longer knew just like he no longer knew what he wanted or who he was or -

"Tyler!"

A hand on his shoulder pulling pulling squeezing -

He looks at him, then, at the man that had so soon before shown with his eyes the colour of his disgust and who's mouth had uttered that "o" of what a wasted breath this person before me was and how beautiful did this man look in the rain and how much he wanted to just hold him to see if there was truth in the hug and to feel some sort of something, like a connection to the world or to people other than himself other than this window of lonely lonely lonely

"Tyler."

There it is again, so foreign and so fake just like him, his name that would now be uttered with quiet laughs and quick thoughts that thank god he is gone he's even more strange and sad and odd then we thought -

A soft shake, a gentle ruse to bring him out of his dark thoughts filled with quiet dreams and oh how those dreams just shattered.

"Please, just answer me" Andy says "Please Tyler, look at me."

And he does oh how he does and how he wishes he wouldn't his eyes will betray him and his eyes will tell him how much he wanted this how much he dreamed about this and how his heart thought of happiness filled with love and now it thought of nothing filled with laughs and tears and angry fists and he tried to look away and he knows that he tried and he hopes that Andy knows that he tried but his eyes can't stop the tears and the sky won't stop the rain and oh how he just needed to know that someone, anyone, that Tyler would understand-

He tries to speak but he can't he can't trust the tongue that betrayed him once already and in either case his tongue is heavy as if it knows it has done wrong and it feels the weight of the guilt and the shame and the dread and the wish to take it all back back back why he can't take it all back why can't the words come back