Finding Hope

Untitled Part 2

Tyler is hugging him now and his shoulders shake and he tells himself that it is the cold and the wind and that he is not crying he cannot be crying and showing more emotion and he cannot be this broken and he cannot let others know - especially Andy, god why does it have to be Andy? - but he is he is and can't stop the tears anymore then he can stop the rain and with each tear drop that falls every word he's uttered and every word he hasn't uttered and every thing that he feels and everything that he doesn't feel falls and he hopes that Andy doesn't understand and understands all at once and how stupid he is, still hoping and wishing and wanting and dreaming and why hasn't he learned yet? He should know by now that dreams are broken and his are broken and they always will be.

"I know what it feels like," Andy says as he holds him. "I grew up alone too, with no-one there and I know that it sucks and it's one of the hardest things that you can get through, especially on your own."

He knows that he is trying to relate and make him feel better but he can't forget their reactions to the feelings that spewed from his mouth and -

"We all love you Tyler. We always have. We know what you've been through, and we want you to know that we are here for you. None of this was your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. We are not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere."

He wants to believe, he really does but can he? He is just thinking and wishing and wanting and hoping and the hope comes in like a rope and ties itself around him and the wishing follows like a glass full of wants and pours itself into him and the thinking the thinking doesn't ever, ever stop

He wonders about their reactions and then what Andy says and he wonders if there is truth or if he is thinking too much again or if he is thinking with his fears and his insecurities and his wants and his desires and not with his head and his heart and he holds him, oh he holds him and wonders why he came after him and

Why was Andy there?

And suddenly he feels like he needs to look in his face and see his eyes because the eyes are the windows to the soul and all is spelled in black circles that either tell him all or tell him nothing and he needs to see and he needs to know and he's scared too and he's trying not to want or dream or think and just look so he does but

There is a truth rimmed in black worry staring at him through the rain or is the rain in his eyes too? There is a longing and a look of finally and it's holding him and it's consuming him and it's telling him to believe him believe those big black orbs and to trust, trust in him and their truth.

And so he leans in and he kisses him, slowly, tentatively, and tests the waters and his lips are sweet and soft and taste of salt or maybe it's tears or the rain and he can't tell and he doesn't care he just wants to feel and lose himself in this sensation and hold this moment for forever and never ever let it go away

His arms wrapped around him, his embrace tight and his kiss is true and full of love and power and passion and want and need and he knows now, that he was telling the truth and that he was really wanted and that he is really wanted and suddenly the rain seems to stop and pour all at once or maybe it's his tears because he's relieved and happy and shocked and lost in the kiss that is telling him that he is real and his dreams are not broken and that they might come true after all.