Rumor Mill - Phil

Chapter 5

English is my favorite subject. Not because it's easy for me, or because I'm a pretentious hipster that likes to try my hand at poetry. English is my favorite subject because it's an entire class based around the romanticizing of words. The idea of taking the same 26 characters and creating something entirely new and beautiful sends a shiver down my spine, and gives me the occasional migraine if I think too hard about it. But sometimes I read novels, or watch movies, or even scroll through Facebook with the overwhelming existential thought that our lives are deduced to 26 characters tugging at the back of my mind. Then, when I think harder, I realize that I'm wrong, and narrow minded, because in China they have over 80,000 characters to express their emotions, their actions, their possessions, and I find myself wondering if that gives them a different perspective, being able to have so many tangible marks on a paper, or if it just gives them a stress-induced headache. Then, of course, in Russian there are 33 characters, and in Arabic there are 28, and I start to feel even more overwhelmed with my thoughts that the world is in the delightful state of cultural and linguistic chaos when I feel a nudge on my arm. I turn to see a blonde girl with a toothy grin staring at me expectantly.

When she doesn't say anything, I sigh, mumbling out a "Yes?" 

"Is it true you're dating Dan Howell?" she whispers bluntly. 

I look at her blankly, not sure how I'm supposed to respond. Would Dan say yes? Is that going too far, taking our relationship into school? 

"Yeah, I guess so," I finally say, trying to turn back to the front, but stopping when I hear her snicker softly. I glance back around with a questioning look.

"Sorry," she begins, "it just doesn't make sense. Someone like you just doesn't belong with someone like him. You won't last a month, I bet." She stops when she sees my face fall, and I can feel the worry seeping into my eyes. "Hey, but what do I know?" she mumbles quickly, letting me turn around this time without complaint. 

But in truth, she probably knows better than I do. It's been a week since Dan confirmed that we are in a relationship, after properly hand-fucking me, and I haven't seen him once. The day after we rode the Wheel, he simply failed to show up to school. I keep reminding myself that anything could have happened, that he isn't avoiding me, but his aversion to my texts and calls aren't helping. I feel cliche, obsessive and needy, but I also feel confused and lonely, back to my emotional state circa my before-Dan era.  I trace the letters of his name into the wood top of my desk with my pencil. D-A-N-I-E-L. Only six of the 26 characters, but also a combination that means more to me than any one of the 80,000 Chinese characters, or 33 Russian characters, or 28 Arabic characters, or any known word in the English language, because every time I hear it I have a small panic attack, especially when he isn't with me, and especially when it leaves my own lips. My limbs seize up and my skin runs cold as the door swings open at the front of the classroom, and the brunette that whispered my name in a glade strides into the room unceremoniously, causing the teacher to glare at him, and I wonder if I'm watching the same person that I think I know as he smirks at the teacher's complaints of his tardiness, and overall truancy.

"Where have you been, Daniel? And why come in now? Answer me!" The middle aged man all but slams a palm down on the desk that Dan has dropped into across the room.

Dan shrugs, not answering, but his gaze doesn't drop, and he continues to maintain an air of confidence and dominance that makes me a bit sick in the pit of my stomach. His eyes are red around the eyelids and he looks distant, almost unreachable.

"You'll make this a lot easier for the both of us, Daniel, if you just tell me where you've been," our teacher sighs out. 

"I've been distracted with something, sir," Dan states, staring across at me unabashedly. "I felt I couldn't perform academically when I was performing so well in other areas." I feel eyes turn to me as people follow Dan's gaze and a blush rises to my cheeks, and I suddenly hate Dan for making such an obvious innuendo in reference to our one night together, especially when we didn't have sex at all.