Glow Stick

No. She Never Will {Part 1}

     What does perfect mean to you? Is it an A plus on your math test? The clean sweep of a football season? I don't expect an answer because I'm not really sure I know what it is myself. To put it simply, I'm not convinced that perfect is real at all. But the one thing I know for sure is that perfect wasn't what was happening to me.
"Rowan, why are you being so difficult? It's your first day of senior year!" My mom sighs, clearly exasperated.

     "Mom I told you already! I graduated high school last night!"

     "Rowan that's ridiculous!" This is the argument we've been having all morning. I am done with high school, I know it! Maybe my mother was just the delusional one. She pauses and without waiting for an answer comes up with her own bizarre conclusion. "Oh I know!" She exclaims. "You must just be nervous." I continue to stare at her in disbelief. At this point I think it would just be best to go along with whatever she says. It'll cut off an hour or two from the headache duration. "You know Rowan," she starts again. "Most kids are excited for senior year. There's nothing to be worried about!" She engulfs me into a suffocating hug. 

     "I'm fine mom." I breathe out. "Really." She reluctantly pulls away and pats me on the head. 

      "I'm so glad. But you know you can tell me anything." I nod for reassurance. "Now you're going to be late on your first day! Go on." My mom shuts my car door and starts to wave goodbye before the keys even enter the ignition. Well that was... chaotic. I do the only thing I can think of; Drive to school and see exactly what's going on. I'm about halfway there when my phone rings. I check the caller ID to see that it's my girlfriend Juliana. I answer the phone, thankful for someone not insane.

     "Hey babe," I say, stopping at a red light. She answers hesitantly.

     "Umm... hey Row."

     "You okay?" I ask her cautiously in response to her awkward greeting.

     "Uh, yeah I'm fine. I'm also really excited about today. Are you wearing your new shorts that match mine?" I look down at my year-old pair of shorts I had got with Juliana last summer. She does have a pair that looks just like them.

     "I think so," I answer, almost laughing at how pathetic I sounded. "Anyways." I continued. "What's happening today again?" A snort escapes from the other side of the phone.

     "You're kidding right? It's our first day of senior year girl!" I wince at the volume of her voice. It takes a minute to hit me. But when it did, it felt like an airplane flying full blast. My next words freeze on my tongue. I can feel my face pale. A car honks behind me, urging me to go under the now very green light. The first day of senior year? Maybe this really was happening all over again. That was impossible. "Hello?" Juliana continues on the phone. "Rowan, you there?" I just can't bring myself to answer. If this was really happening, the next two hundred and whatever days were going to happen all over again. Some of my best friends will just be acquaintances. I'll be ahead of every single school lesson. No dramatic lunchroom fight will be a surprise. And Juliana... Juliana isn't my girlfriend anymore. Heck, she hasn't even come out yet. And she won't for several months.
     "I don't know if you can still hear me Row, but I think our connection is bad. I'm going to hang up. See you soon." My phone beeps on my dashboard as she hangs up, ending our rather one-sided conversation. I won't go crazy wondering when she'll kiss me because I already know when it's going to happen. We'll have to sneak around her parents again, disguising dates with casual hangouts. Our inside jokes and pet names will be foreign, developed at a later time. And I will have to live every day of this life without being able to kiss the girl I love more than anyone else on this earth. At least I only have to wait until the homecoming dance. I pinch my arm and confirm the worst. Wherever I was wasn't even close to a dream. It was downright hell.
     I make my way to my locker and breathe in the fresh air that beats the stuffy atmosphere of my car. At this point, holding my breath while walking through the halls was nearly a habit. The corridors were usually filled with raging teen hormones and cigarette smoke. This won't last long. I unlock my locker and run my fingers over the perfectly round combination lock. By the end of the year it would be distorted. Dented so many times from dropping it on the school's tile floor. The clean blue wall on the back of my locker door would be filled with graffiti written in dry erase marker and sticky notes passed during class from Juliana. My notebooks now remained empty and my textbooks had crisp clean edges. Never again. I thought to myself. Never again.
     Juliana meets me at my locker just like I knew she would. She always does. I can't help it. I hug her when she meets me. Juliana awkwardly hugs me back and together we walk to homeroom. A wave of nostalgia rushes over me when she informs me that she forgot something in her locker. Suddenly, I'm taken back to the past.
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     I walk into homeroom alone and make a beeline to the two seats in the back, waving to people who greet me along the way. Sitting down, I run my hands through my hair and silently curse Juliana for taking too long. You're always vulnerable when you're on your own. I pull out my phone and scroll through social media.
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     Remembering the same mistake I had made back then, I quickly put it away and plop my bag down on the chair next to me. Lyla Reynolds walks into the room and I watch as her eyes land on me. We had cut ties near the end of junior year and she's never forgiven me for it. But this time she also sees my bag on Juliana's chair and walks away.
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     " You thought you could get rid of me," Lyla whispers in my ear. I keep my eyes straight forward, pointed at the empty doorway. She was an extremely toxic friend. Lyla would manipulate and use me. I'd be her "wing woman" and keep the friend busy while she swept the hot one off of his feet. She'd force the blame on me when she was caught sneaking out. She would force me to parties I felt uncomfortable at and pressure me into doing things I wasn't proud of. On the bright side... I thought to myself. Her dirty deeds helped me figure out I was gay.
     "If you try to mess up my life or my reputation..." Lyla starts.
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     "I will end you and everything you've ever loved," I whispered this to myself, the words I don't think I'll ever forget. I wave Juliana over when she walks into the room and move my stuff so she can sit down.
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     Thank goodness Jules was finally here. Lyla smiled maniacally and slowly stood from her seat, bumping Juliana's shoulder as she brushed past.
     "What did she want?" Jules asks me.
     "A reaction," I responded, watching Lyla laugh with her new pawns.
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     "Should I be jealous?" Juliana asks me waggling her eyebrows. Her question snaps me out of my head and I remember that same sentence being asked to me that day as well.
     "What?" I reply, turning to face her.
     "You're staring at the she-devil herself," she responds.
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     I shake my head and smile, lucky to have a friend like her.
     "No," I reply smugly. "And you'll never have to be."
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     No. She never will.