Glow Stick

Today Truly Confirmed That {Part 2}

     Every day I feel like I'm living a lie. Like I'm living but only halfway. I try my best to do most big things the same, not wanting to risk changing how the future turns out. Most "ordinary" days were wiped from my subconscious, and the details were left forgotten. But then there were the other random occasions and conversations I didn't even remember remembering. Yet I could retrace them all word for word. There was one day in particular that I was looking forward to, but I guess that's how most of the other students felt as well. Homecoming. It was arriving faster than everyone had planned, but most of us had been prepared since the first day of school. I knew what would happen the night of the dance, and every minute I'm awake I can't help but hope it would arrive sooner.
     "Jayden's totally checking you out," Juliana whispers in my ear at the library one morning.
     "Funny," I respond, side-eyeing her over my homework.
     "He is pretty cute." She admits, which sends a streak of pain through my heart. "You sure you can't turn straight just for one night?"
<><><><><>
     I laugh out loud and hit Juliana lightly on the arm. She ignores it and gasps when Jayden stands and steps in our direction.
     "Stop Row. He's coming over here!" she giggles. This will be interesting, I think to myself. I glance at Juliana who's currently gawking at me.
     "Want a dollar for popcorn?" I ask her, returning to my work. Jayden pulls up a chair next to me and sits down comfortably. All I can think about is how many times he's done this before. And how all these boys still think I'm straight. Juliana poorly hides a snicker with a cough. I roll my eyes out of Jayden's sight as dramatically as I can.
     "Hey." He says lamely. I kick Juliana's leg under the table to keep her from laughing.
     "Hey," I say, keeping my eyes down. What? You thought I was going to make this easy for him? He clears his throat awkwardly before continuing.
<><><><><>
     "So I was kind of wondering if you wanted to come to homecoming with me." He says smoothly. Only for courtesy I look up at him and smile sympathetically.
     "I'm sorry. I can't." I say. Now most girls would do anything to be in my position right now. Who on earth would turn down a dance with Jayden Maloney? The gay ones. That's who. This response obviously takes him by surprise because the jerk responds with an outstanding
<><><><><>
    "Why?!" I hold back a scoff and try not to laugh before responding.
     "Why?" I repeat in disbelief. He stutters his next words.
     "Yeah why. Any other girl would say yes."
     "Seriously?" I shoot back, again in disbelief. Juliana buds in with a smile playing across her lips.
     "You rejected the poor guy and might as well answer his dumb question." I roll my eyes for the millionth time in that very conversation and turn back to Jayden.
<><><><><>
     "You want to know why?" I ask him, watching as he nods like a little eager puppy. "Because you're oblivious." I pause for dramatic effect before delivering the final blow. " And I'm gay." His jaw practically touches the floor. Luckily, I'm proud of my sexuality and I like to think that I scare off any hate and backlash with my confidence. But it's also not something that I shout out for everyone to hear. You know highschool. News travels at a scary fast pace. How did this one tiny detail pass under everyone's radars? Juliana and I walk away before Jayden can and skip class to go get celebratory ice cream. I have no idea what we were celebrating, but it was a good excuse as any for ice cream.
     "I can't believe you actually did that." Juliana laughs as I spoon a scoop of chocolate ice cream into my mouth.
     "I promised that I would go with you and I am not ever going to change my mind," I assure her. She puts her bowl down and leans further back in her chair.
     "Even if a very pretty gay girl asked you?" I don't miss a beat before answering.
     "The prettiest girl on the planet already asked me."
     "Oh yeah? Who?"
     "You," I reply, smiling behind my spoon. Now, this didn't happen originally but again I couldn't help myself. Besides, it was more than true.
<><><><><>
     "Even if a very pretty gay girl asked you?" Juliana asks me. I shake my head and smile.
     "Nope. No way! I would tell her to wait a while." Juliana just laughs.
     "You really are hopeless Rowan, you know that?" I continued to grin and eat my ice cream, choosing not to answer her question. Even after we've been quiet for a while, I catch her staring at me. And I swear it wasn't my imagination. There was something there. It was different from how she usually looked at me. This look sent butterflies into my stomach and made me wonder... No, it couldn't be.
<><><><><>
     I remember this day vividly as well. But I had also broken my own rule and played a different card. I just hoped that it didn't ruin anything. I honestly don't know how I could live with myself if I messed everything up. But I don't think that was really the case. And I swear it wasn't my imagination. There was something there. It was different from how she had acted that day the first time around. When we walked out of the small ice cream parlor, she had walked closer to me and I tried not to shiver when our skin brushed together. I caught her taking more stolen glances during the car ride back to school. When I dropped her off at home and said goodbye, she had studied my face. I watched as Juliana stared at me just longer than necessary. But I noticed it. And I'm pretty sure that this time she did too.
     That night in bed I tried to sort through my thoughts revolving around what had happened that day. I thought over both the first and second version of my story. In one way the changes made me feel even sadder. It had made me miss Juliana even more. Miss her touch, the girl that had evolved into the young woman that was left behind. It also made me wonder if I could have had her longer if that day at the diner went just a little differently. Will those couple exchanged sentences bond us in a different way forever? But the changes also made me happy. More than happy really. It made me feel giddy. Like I had a big crush. I guess I did. But when I thought it over again I realized something big. Something that ebbed away at my worries and racing thoughts. Thoughts not only from tonight but many other nights as well. At first the thought seems simple, but in reality it really was anything but. Thinking everything over helped me realize that Juliana was already mine. She had always been mine. Today truly confirmed that.