The Traitor (The Third Wheel's spin-off)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Invisible scars

Nothing.

My heart starts beating faster as I try my best not to think about the implications of Malik's lack of answer.

I wait, then knock again in case he didn't hear me the first time. 

Still nothing.

I can't knock any louder, the whole corridor probably already heard me at this point. 

Well, the unwritten message is pretty clear - go away. He doesn't want me anymore. 

What was I expecting? I've ruined everything.

Actually, maybe I didn't - my betrayal only precipitated the end. From its very beginning, our love story was doomed. 

How could have I been foolish enough to hope for an happy ending, after everything I've done? 

When I closed my eyes, I could picture the two of us, ten years from now, holding hands, walking in the forest, going from places to places, creating new memories to be cherished forever. Sometimes, I imagined us surrounded by children and sometimes not. We obviously haven't talked about it yet, but whatever he wishes, I will be happy as long as I am with him. I am a simple man, with the simplest desires.

When I was being held in his embrace, it was easy for me to believe that I would never feel alone ever again. Luckily, my mate loves cuddling as much as I do.

When we were idly chatting in the cocoon of his bedroom, I could envision moving somewhere else with Malik. We would have our own house and more intimacy than in this way too luxious Mansion, where all of his family is present. We would never be bored of each other, I was sure of that.

When we were taking the time to savour each other's lips, I could somehow start to comprehend how making love isn't just about sex. It doesn't have to hurt. It can actually be pleasurable and fulfilling for both lovers. I think.

See where all of these chimeras led me? Before Malik, I was hanging by a thread. Now, I just want to not feel at all, because I know that all of this will never happen. We will never walk hand in hand in beautiful places, nor will we make love for the first time or have long conversations about the most serious to the most trivial matters.

Just imagine yourself in Malik's position. You find someone, you fall in love with them only to discover that they have attempted to murder their former best friend. Would you still give them a chance or would you run as far as possible from them? 

I thought so. 

I don't blame him. If anything, I'm grateful for the time I was given with him. Of course, I feel worst than I used to, now that I've discovered what true love is. Still, I'm glad that we met and that I got to know him, although the opposite probably isn't true, since in return for his love and affection I gave him nothing but troubles. 

People who don't know me cannot guess it, because I look pretty calm and strong on the outside, but I'm really fucked up. Maybe, if I had an artistic talent, I could have use this negative energy to create something powerful. Unfortunately, I'm the average fucked-up. All I do is whine about how things could have gone differently, instead of taking action.

To top it all, all I can think about now is cutting myself. 

I don't want to. I feel like I have no other choices left. I can't deal with the emotional pain any longer. I just want it to stop, stop, STOP!

I could jump from that cliff. There would be no Malik to save me this time. I won't do it. Not yet. I don't want Malik to be the one to find my dead body.