Into the Unknown

William

I stare in the bathroom mirror looking at my reflection, nothing but a faded, unfamiliar body that my mind is trapped in. The dull, dark circles around my eyes show how little sleep I've gotten, how malnourished I've slowly become over the past few days.

"Master William, are you ready for your medications?" Bruce asks me with a tray topped with a full glass of water and my bottle of prescriptions.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I say to the face in the mirror, not looking towards the butler.

For the past couple days, he's been watching out for me, constantly eyeing me wherever I go. At my appointment with the psychiatrist, he told, no, commanded, Bruce that he needed to record everything that I do in fifteen-minute increments. So far, he's been vigilant about it, always carrying a notepad in his left pocket along with a pen or pencil (whichever is available at-hand).

My mother still doesn't know about my little "incident", nor do I want her to find out about it. The last thing I need is to be embarrassed by my own mother. She would be disgraced with me being informed that her son was harming herself. Yet, it's so common nowadays that when someone takes their own life, the thought of suicide is stripped from all its painfulness, sadness, and horrible surprise.

When I felt that sudden urge, I couldn't stop myself, nor did I exactly want to. Without a second thought I grabbed that knife, not worrying about what the consequences would be, whatever they were. Instead, here I am, unharmed and in the arms of my butler. He cares for me like no other; possibly more than my own parents ever did. My father was always there for me but this last month has been quite different in terms of close communication and trust. Those have become issues between us and I'm not sure how to solve them. He's not here at home and he hasn't gotten back in contact with me.

Hopefully mother hasn't murdered him for being away from home so long, I think to myself, making sure to keep Bruce out of my head.

Bruce holds out the bottle of medications to me, still standing there right outside the bathroom door in his black formal wear. I never understand how he's able to wear that all day. If he were only my butler, he would be free to roam about the mansion in his pajamas for all I care. Maybe he would actually be more enjoyable instead of a stick-of-a-man. Ever since I was a little boy, I always wanted someone around the house who I could have fun with, like Mary Poppins, but someone who's closer to my age. Mother never said yes though; she believed that having friends was bad association and that we should always depend solely upon our own families. Just as I looked up to my parents, I sought that relationship from Shelby. She became my Mary Poppins in high school and I knew from the second I saw her, she was going to be the one. Then I saw the entry she had written in her diary and I knew it was over. At the time when I read those words, I thought my life was over. Little did I know that soon after that, she wouldn't be alive any longer. Nobody else except her and I ever knew about the diary entry though, so it wasn't hard to hide that fact from anyone. Not even her mother knew that she didn't love me anymore. Even through that heartache of her making us date even though she didn't want to be with me, I had faith that maybe, just maybe, I would be able to win her back with my genuine love. After some time though, she convinced me that we were never meant to be, that it was all too good to be true. Me being me though, I stayed on my path and decided to buy an engagement ring, to see how she would react. Now I'll never know if she would have truly said yes or not.

Still holding the bottle of depression medication, Bruce clears his throat, trying to grab my attention.

"Yes, sorry, I froze up for a second there. I apologize," I say reaching for the medication bottle and glass of water. First I pop the pills into my mouth and then I take a huge gulp of water, swallowing as fast as I can. I've never liked swallowing pills, nor has it been an easy ride for me. Preferably, the liquid poison is better in my opinion.