don't hold back now.

“I find your innocence incredibly endearing.”

Louis' skin prickled and itched at the voice that echoed in his head? Why did he have to think about this now? Feeling a wave of frustration bubble up inside him, he willed himself to push it away and released it with a sigh. Be rational, Louis, he could have some serious reasons for it, he told himself.

He thought of Harry and how they've been together for ten months already. Ten agonizing months of a relationship that could be mistaken for nothing more than a platonic friendship. Almost a year of living together with somebody who couldn't bring himself to touch him, even just for a little bit. Be rational, try to understand.

“Your purity fascinates me.”

He couldn't count how many times he's heard the same excuse come out of Harry's mouth. Though it was a different phrase everytime, they still held the same meaning. Almost as if he'd been compiling the synonyms for innocent that he got from the thesaurus. But if Louis had to face it, Harry didn't need any thesaurus.

“So preciously innocent.” was all he said after Louis had finally gathered up the courage and asked him why he didn't want to get past the stage of simply holding hands or cuddling, kissing Louis anywhere but his lips- and maybe some other places- but anyway, he simply gave Louis a stupidly attractive grin, knowing Louis could never go against his dimples and he'd get away from literally anything with them, especially when Louis finally addressed the massive elephant in the room. Louis tried and tried again, but ended up with same answers all the time, accompanied with that same feeling of confused frustration that he wanted to scream.

Just a little bit. Why can't you touch me even just a little bit?

“What's wrong?”

He hadn't realized he'd been fidgeting aggressively and giving the innocent television icy death glares until Harry whispered under his breathe while they're cuddled close to each other, his back against Harry's chest. He sighed, leaning his head on his boyfriend's shoulder and closed his eyes.

“The movie's setting me on edge, so thrilling.”

“Lou, we're watching Clueless.”

Louis opened his mouth to say something but then decided against it and scrunched his nose, instead proceeded to actually put his attention to the movie and watched Cher as she roamed around the city by herself trying to settle her personal dilemma by buying herself the stuff she fancied. Louis thought he should try that sometimes, retail therapy. He heard Harry let out a tiny laugh before he squeezed Louis close.

“You're so dramatic, like my own personal Cher Horowitz.” he mumbled against Louis' nape, sniffing at the soft skin making the boy roll his eyes and squirm before slapping him on the knee.

“Stop that.” he whined and moved his head around. Louis used to find the gesture cute and loved everytime Harry would do it but as time went on, Louis thought about a lot of things and had a few realizations that had him awake every night and Harry doing things like this didn't help his confusion over their situation. He can't just keep doing that and then proceed to ignore Louis' painfully undeniable, obvious desire to be touched and loved in that way. Louis wouldn't allow it, no.

At first, Louis simply liked to think that Harry wasn't comfortable enough with him yet when he bashfully asked for a proper kiss for the first time and the man man only gave him a small smile then shook his head. The sting of disappointment in his chest and the hollowness he felt in his stomach was an inevitable reaction, still, Louis tried to understand and returned the smile before snuggling closer to his lover. He couldn't stop the hurt after he stayed up at that night, thinking about how ready he was to just give his all to this man. Louis thought he might be too naive, and needed to learn a thing or two.