DIARY OF A STRAIGHT GUY

DEAR DIARY JUNE 21 2020

Lan [ up top]

Nicholas- 

"Its 12 am T i'm tired plus a man needs his sleep" 

"awhhh c'mon Nick tonight the night to have fun after a day of Lan bad breakup advice"

"I know T but I cant help it I'm an introvert!" i exclaimed 

"awhh cut the shit introvert my ass" she said in a don't give me that crap tone

"Tanee i'm going home no arguments" i stated, 

"fine well i'm going to Micheal's party "

"Micheal is throwing a party?" 

"yeah its going to be big his cousins from Alabama is coming to town" 

"plus they are boys and are hot with blue eyes all are blonde plus -" 

"how the hell do you know so much  " i cut her off asking 

"I followed their insta-gram"

"I wont even ask how" i said laughing

"well see you tomorrow" she said skipping away

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Withing my sleep i was hearing small faint sounds like some one knocking on a hard surface however i chose to ignore but it got louder, 

I turned to see my alarm clock across from me like far so when its time to get up i have no choice but to get out of bed to stop it, it was 2:00 am and i was exhausted,

I continued hearing the small knock as i got out my bed i turned to my window seeing Lan knocking ,

"Lan what the fuck" i whispered

"me i've been knocking for about 10 minutes and in my time that a week worth of partying missed " he said with a straight face

"party?"

"you didn't expect me to make you not come to Micheal's party" he said with a duh tone 

"No, No, No ,final, i put my foot down, goodbye, goodnight, adios ,hastaluego and any other phrase  to say bye " i said sitting on my bed

"I didn't want to do this Lan said"

Lan climbed throw the window and started ruffling threw my clothes, 

"Lan i'm not going" i said barley shouting

"don't make me change you" he said with a smirk

"pervert" i stated heading to the bathroom 

"fine i'll go "

I started to get changed , as i started smiling in approval of what he choose ,

I threw on a blue over sized T-shirt and blue ripped jeans and rapped my gray sweater around m waist then placed my Rolex watch on my lest hand along with my magnetic crucifix earring and chain. 

we climbed threw the window  and walked 2 blocks to get to Lan's car 

 as Lan started to drive he blasted his music loud I thought I  would be deaf in a matter of seconds about two minutes we arrived at the house music blasting some kid throwing up outside Tanee and Micheal making out outside 

Lan i don't wanna be hear i shout not sure he heard me tho he probly did but the dick he is probably shrug it off

Lan turned and walked into the house as i followed close behind but as i step inside i lost hi instantly 

i made my way over to the snack bar and stood there for the most of the night i did ended up dring when i saw T she was shocked i was there yet to drunk to ask why i was there 

she poured me a drink and gave me an advil i think all i know is she said she brought some advil and it could stop my headach after i took the pill i drank some liqure and im ery unawarre of what happend after that 

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The next day i woke up in my bed with a massive headache 

i got out of bed and wobbled over to the bathroom, smelling liqueur in my breath eww disgusting 

so i opened my mouth took an Advil then went and take a shower

as the cold water hit my ass it cramped up completely my legs felt as they were no longer in service as i yelled stupid talking donkeys 'its a phrase i made up' and the last thing that crossed my mind before i started vomiting was what the fuck happened last night.

For the rest of the day i felt sick to the core, I stayed in my room while grandma brought me food I told her I was sick and that convinced her along with the eye bags I guess.

I stayed in my dads hoodie for the rest of the day,  my father wasn't a slim built nor was he fat but he was tall so imagine me a 5'9 in a 6'4 persons hoodie it drowned me

 As evening crept up I  saw lan walking threw my room door 

"what the window not working" I said sarcastically lan didn't reply he just gave me a sympathetic look that made me feel awkward as he slowly walked to me,

 he held my hand forcing me off the bed then he cupped my face with both hand and I felt weird so I said as I nervously laughed  "what are we about to kiss right now" instantly his eyes scanned my lips and I was about  to say dude I was joking but his lips connected to mine half way threw out  the sentence

 it was so weird, fun, amazing,  i don't know,  his lips were soft and i felt my self tempting to kiss back cursing myself knowing ill regret not doing it and my lips were most likely numb as he pushed to the bed not breaking the kiss

 i was paralyzed i didn't know what to do everything just stop spinning in my head and i don't know the realization that i'm kissing a guy hit my as he nibbled on my lips causing me to open my mouth giving him access with his tongue

 his tongue was everywhere but as soon as i came out the trans i was in 

i pushed him back saying "what the hell lan i told you i'm not gay," i almost yell 

then he said "yeah why didn't you stop last night huh, why the hell were you begging me to fuck you in the ass last night why,  why" he said tears threatening to fall, "why did you say you love me huh wh-"

"lan stop" i shouted what are you talking about lan .

lan.

lan.

lan !.

"for fuck sake lan answer me i woke up with my head hurting and my ass hurting" saying  the last part as a whisper 

he smirk and said "i'm glad to know i did what you asked" he then turned and walked out of my room a stood there shock as lan slammed the front door .

I felt vulnerable, used, abused, and a bad friend, 

i felt that lan used me when i was drunk like why the hell didn't he stop me,

 but know saying out to my self sounds stupid,  we probably both were drunk 

but 

after Lan left every thing fell right down my ass and my head went to the sneaking out to the pill  T  gave me then to me dancing with dudes and girls then it went to me dragging a semi drunk Lan away from his friends and dancing with him then it went to Lan and i arguing over sex i was forcing him but in the heat of the moment Lan gave in  and i kissed him  and as our body touched the more aroused i was, we were and we made it to Micheal's bedroom as we started to undress like animals

 then Lan nibbled on my ears while rubbing my nibbles after that every thing was a blur or a hole in my memory as i remember feeling high as i was beside Lan and i turned and slurred the words i love you and you love me and my memories of the rest of the night is nowhere to be found

 I felt a pang in my chess thinking of what i said to Lan and wondering about my sexuality, i felt disgusted, and happy with a bit of guilt and worry.