Shackles & Roses

Two

"Alex Oscar Lidden, why are you hiding up in the house when it's such a beautiful day outside?"

I groan as I roll over. Why did I ever think that giving my mother a key to my apartment was a good idea? Because I started being useless at taking care of myself, I guess.

I'm curled on the sofa under my duvet, curtains drawn to shut out the sun, television on playing the news. I'm not watching it; it is merely background noise for my overworking brain. I'm just staring into the distance, thinking. I do a lot more of that, these days. I don't really understand why, because it hurts so much, but I also have a lot more time to. A lot more to think about. Maybe if I'd stopped to think a little before, I wouldn't be in such a bad place now.

"Get your arse off the couch, and do something good for yourself for once! Stop acting all morose in here, and open the curtains. Go for a walk, get some fresh air, clear your head, and spend some time with people! Lord, it might make you a bit more sociable!"

I grumble back at her, yelping when she pulls the duvet away like she stabbed me. The cold rushes in to meet my bare feet, and my right one cramps, leaving me grimacing.

"Mum! Just stop! I know how to look after myself, and I don't need you barging in here telling me what to do! I moved back here to be independent, not to have you rushing in every few minutes and nosing about my business!"

She just laughs, flinging the curtains wide open and making me cover my face with another groan, burying my head into the sofa arm.

"Get up, get dressed, and get yourself off to one of your friend's houses within the next fifteen minutes or I'm dressing you like a toddler and taking you to their doorstep myself. You need some company, my boy."

I watch her stride from the room, humming softly to herself. I'd really like to reverse these positions right now, and see her reaction if I were to barge into her living room like this. But that would never happen to my mother, because she wouldn't let herself end up like this. Liz Lidden is a go-getter who stops for nothing and no one. I wish I have more of her spirit.

I sit up on the couch cushions too quickly, and lose my balance to topple sideways onto the floor, taking the cushion with me. Illa whines on the other end of the sofa, and sticks her nose over the edge, but doesn't bother to look far enough to check if I'm okay. Typical Illa. If there was an award for the laziest dog in the world, she would win it.

My legs are now aching, and so are my sides, but I'll live. I stand, legs turning to jelly as the blood rushes back into them. Guess who hasn't moved in over a day? But I'm more worried about what will happen if I'm still here in fifteen minutes and my mum gets hold of me. I stumble out of the living room, keeping my hand running along the wall to support my shaky body.

In the bathroom I strip off, taking a quick shower to rid myself of the pervading scents of sweat and dog dribble I had previously been showcasing. Each bit of spray that hits my body, each droplet falling from the shower head to my own; they burn, little pinpricks of acid whose only intent is to make my life miserable. The water is running too hot and then too cold alternately, and I begin to shiver uncontrollably before I've managed to wash off even half the soap. The temperature dial tells me it is fine. My body tells me it is not. I am not okay. My head swims, and it's like I am drowning. My eyes are glued shut, water cascading from my curls like a curtain about my head. I grind my teeth so I do not cry out.

The second the last soap sud hits the slippery floor of the bath I flick the shower back off and stand, dripping for a few seconds while I regain my composure. My hands are shaking violently, and I press them to my thighs in an attempt to still them. All I succeed in doing is destabilising more of me, so that I am forced to lean back onto the tiles. The wall is cool against my back, the condensation that has formed on it in sharp contrast to my clammy skin. I press my hands against it, tracing circles with my fingers