Shackles & Roses

Twelve

The car judders to life beneath me, and I take a deep breath, clutching the gear stick tightly with my left hand. My right rests on the steering wheel almost tentatively. I daren't pull away. I haven't driven in seven months, and I have no way of knowing until I try whether I can still do it or not. I should have someone in the car with me to do this, but I don't have anyone to ask. Not while I'm still avoiding Addie. He's the only person I'd have considered to come, but not at the moment. I still need to make peace with him, albeit in the privacy of my head.

But then, maybe there is someone else I could ask. Bailey's Dad. Over the past two weeks I've gone over to the Bennah's nearly every day. Most of the time I go for either lunch or dinner, once even venturing to cook for them. I have as yet to have them over to mine, though, and with the ashes still scattered on my bedroom floor there's no way I could face having them under my roof. How does one re-gather scattered ashes? My search history may look a little strange.

There's no way I can pull away on my own. My hands are shaking too violently to drive, and every time I try to, my mind goes into overdrive. I need a steadying hand beside me to reassure me, and to be my fall-back if I lose control of the wheel. So I take out my phone, and I press dial on his name. This is probably the first time I've ever asked for help. I won't even try to pick apart the emotions roiling in my gut.

"Hello? Alex?"

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I..." I stop to breathe. "I was wondering if you could help me with something?" Silence. I stop breathing.

"Of course! Same address as before?"

"Yep. Thanks."

"I'm on my way."

I let out the breath. I take another in. We don't stop to discuss what he meant by before. We are both fully aware of the connotations. I hang up. Alex Lidden officially just asked someone for help.

Ten minutes later he pulls up across the street, a smile filling his face. I roll down the window as he crosses the road, leaning out.

"What may I help you with, Sir?"

"This." I gesture to the wheel in front of me. "In general. I've not driven in ages and I didn't think I should go alone." Couldn't go alone more like.

"Ah! Of course. So you just want a driving buddy? That's something I can definitely do. Where were you planning on going?"

"Just around the block to start with, maybe a little further."

He doesn't comment on how poor that is. He doesn't suggest going any further, or ask why I need someone beside me when I should be perfectly capable of driving considering my licence in the glove box. He doesn't comment on the leather jacket I'm wearing.

Instead, Brad walks round to the passenger door and gets in. And then he looks to me for direction. Which I'm not so sure I can give, but it boosts my confidence a little. Boosts it enough that I turn the key once more, and ever-so-slowly pull out onto the road. Thank god for my quiet street.

I drive slowly all the way around the block, only going above ten miles per hour on my second lap. The entire time Brad is smiling and singing slightly out of tune to the music playing. If I didn't have to concentrate so hard, I would have joined in.

When we finally pull up outside my house, I've successfully completed eight rounds of the block, and comfortably reached thirty miles an hour. I would call that a success.

"Well done! I don't know what you were worried about, Alex! But it's always good to be careful. If you're ever not confident, always take someone with you. You did good." He claps a hand to my shoulder, eyes twinkling. "Fancy giving me a lift home?"

I'm tired, and I think I should get some paracetamol. But I'm happy, and I feel confident enough right now to drive. Right now would be the best time to drive a little further, especially on a route as familiar as that to the Bennah's house. Plus, there's no way I could call Brad up on another day just to drive a few more blocks over.

"Yeah, sure." I pull my jacket tighter around me, and pull away from the curb. This time, I join in Brad's singing.

***

Within the week I'm driving more freely. I sit less tensely in the driver's seat, sing with a little more gusto than before, and am comfortable to have more people in the car. Which of course means that I take the Bennah's out for a picnic. I pick them up at eleven, and I drive out of the city, choosing to listen to Brad and Sophie's harmonies rather than join in with my own. She sounds so like Bailey used to.

I take them to the fields outside of London that my parents used to take me to when I lived at home. They'd bring me out here at the crack of dawn, and I'd sit as still as I could for hours on end, eyes trained on every movement of every bit of grass around me. Birds and bugs, I would look for. Marsh Harriers nesting. Kingfishers flashing along the small stream, silver fish flapping in their beaks. Kestrels hovering above waving fronds, beady eyes searching for mice. In the evenings hedgehogs might appear along the hedges, or if I was really lucky badgers. None of that is here today, though. Sophie's excited chatter scares off everything within a fifty-mile radius. But I don't mind. Being here resurfaces so many memories. Good memories. I need to come back here, alone and with a pair of binoculars.

"What have you brought for lunch, Alex?" The sudden squeal from Sophie brings me back to my senses. "Alex?"

"Tuna, ham, cheese or cucumber sandwiches. Sausage rolls and pork pies, chopped peppers and carrots, strawberries and raspberries, and some chocolate eclairs. Sound good?"

In response, she dances about, arms waving wildly, before she throws herself down beside me and her parents, breathing heavily and eyes alight. Darcy sits down a little more sedately.

We pass out the food, Sophie never ceasing her chatter and laughter. Darcy is smiling. So are Brad and Lou. I don't think I've seen either of them smile so wide since I've started seeing them again. Not since they first saw me again, anyway. At least in Lou's case.

Sadness is running up and down my spine, tormenting me, but I do my best to ignore it. Bailey's absence is sticking out like a sore thumb, and it makes me ache so badly. Despite this, I feel happy. I've missed the homeliness of being a part of a family. So even while it hurts, it is not creating new scars. The old ones are simply burning a little. Meanwhile, I can feel others slowly healing over.

There are a few scars not even this can make better. Some I must heal myself. One of those runs so deep I can barely think about it, let alone comprehend facing the demons that frequent it, and chasing them off. But some are newer and less painful. Ones I put there myself, without rhyme nor reason. I intend to heal those as soon as I get home.

When I finally drop the Bennahs home, we're all still smiling. The afternoon passed all too quickly. But now I have things I need to do. Things I refuse to put off any longer. I pull up outside my house. It's early evening, so I have a while to get this right. Good- I want all the time I can get.

Leaving one hand on the steering wheel, I use the other to pull my phone from my pocket, and to scroll through the list of names. I dig my nails into the leather, enjoying how cool it is beneath my burning fingertips. I press dial.

Fifteen minutes later, the passenger door opens, and someone slides into the seat next to me. The light above us flickers on as the door shuts, and I turn to meet their eyes, heart hammering in my chest.

"Addie."

He grins as I say it, a curl of hair falling over his left eye. I have a lot of explaining to do. We have all night. But I had better get started.