Dear Diary

Chapter 4

     
Song for the chapter- Alone by Halsey ft Big Sean and Stefflon Don

             She woke up with a start, then laid back immediately. She was scared to open her eyes, her head was pounding. To make matters worse, one of her neighbours had switched on their generator. She made another attempt at getting up and failed.
      She was on the floor in the other room. She was also half naked which for the life of her, she didn't know why. Everything hurt.
"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" Grace called cheerfully. "I think we should open up the windows, it's a bright new day."
"Get lost." At least that was what she was trying to say. This was torture, pure torture.
She remembered downing a bottle of whisky and the Jack Daniels had followed, with another whisky and ... wine? But she didn't remember stripping or getting there.
"I'll never drink again."
"Na so." Grace scoffed. "Do you think you can drag your pathetic self of the floor?"
"Leave me alone." she groaned. She sniffed.  "What's that smell?"
Grace laughed.  "Do you really want me to answer that?"
"No, not really."

      She didn't know how she got off the floor but right now she was swallowing Panadol extra and inhaling Golden Morn. There were times she was drunk or high or both nearly every night but that was then, she had changed. Hadn't she? She dragged herself to her room to sleep.

         When she woke up, she felt much better. Her stomach was growling. She went into the kitchen and wondered what to make. She was tired of eating Indomie and Golden Morn. She put away the items she bought the previous day. Then decided to cook Jellof Rice.
While eating, she scrolled through Twitter until she was tired. And seriously bored, is this how her life was going to be? She was bored as fuck.
Suddenly, she felt an urge to write down her thoughts in her diary. Old habits die hard so, before she knew it, she was in her room sorting through her books and fishing out her diary from the bottom of the pile. She flipped to the page after her last entry.

Dear Diary,
Well, hello there old friend. Been a while hasn't it? Surprised I'm still alive? Well to be honest, me too.  I've left Abuja for good btw. I'm at my new apartment in Enugu right now. This is a place that holds some good memories for me sooo,i mean no surprise I came back right? I live close to school, maybe one evening I'll enter and just stroll a bit. Maybe, just maybe.
     I moved into my new place on Friday. It's Sunday afternoon right now. The neighbours seem ok, I can always avoid them. Soon, they'll wonder why I don't work or go out but can afford this place. Soon, they'll wonder where my husband is. I've gone shopping and got all my appliances, household items, blah, blah, blah. I asked for a furnished apartment so it saved me the stress of picking furniture. So what I need now is a gen, to install DSTv and figure out how they pay for NEPA. I think I'll get these online, I'm not leaving this house.
     So Frances and Josiah have been calling me, which is not at all surprising but I think I'll just continue ignoring their calls until they decide I'm not worth it and forget me. We'll all be better off that way, honestly.
   Anyways guess who I ran into yesterday at the mall,  Charles. I was so shocked. He still looks good, still handsome, still fit,yunno. He was nice, considering our last meeting. He's married now,to this pretty lady called Millicent and they have three kids. I know, I know I have no right but I am so fucking jealous. And I'm so angry with myself because I have no right, I know. I mean, I ended things between us and badly too. I'm not surprised he's doing well, people are always better off without me. It's like I have this bad luck charm and I infect everyone. But for Christ's sake, I am jealous. JEALOUS! Of his marriage, his kids, his success. What exactly is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy for him without any feelings of envy or sadness? Sigh. I came back feeling sorry for myself and got shit faced drunk after I  promised myself I wouldn't anymore. Woke up this morning semi nude with a terrible headache. I am so pathetic. Pathetic is I. Pathetic is me. I'm just so tired. Then he mentioned my writing and now I feel depressed, stupid, useless. All those books I planned on writing, I started and never finished. What have I been doing with my life? Apart from being a rich man's housewife and punching bag. I have a degree I've never used. And I'm writing again after I told myself I'll stop. Right now, I don't know whether to go back to bed and lie down, wallowing in self pity or just sit here and stare at the wall. I have nothing to do and I'm going mad.

           She dropped the pen and realised she was crying. She wiped her eyes and unlocked her phone but the tears were coming too fast, blurring her vision. She threw the phone down. And tried to calm down. "It's OK, it's OK, I'm alright. I'm alright." she repeated until she was calm.
        When she stopped crying, she picked her phone again. First things first, ordered the gen on one of those shopping websites. Then she subscribed to DSTv immediately.
Then she lay on her bed. Staring at the ceiling. Thinking. Music, she needed music. She set her phone on Shuffle. The first song was Alone by Halsey ft Big Sean and Stefflon Don.
She laughed bitterly, Alone. That was how she was destined to be, for the rest of her life. Everyone who came in contact with her left scarred.
        People had failed her. And she had failed herself. She felt like drinking.
"Baby as soon as you meet me, you'll wish that you never did." she sang aloud.
"Snap out of it." Grace ordered gently. Oh yeah, she had her sister.
Well, sometimes.
"Just leave me." she mumbled
"No... talk to me."
"I'm tired. I'm just tired of everything."
"It's ok."
"And I'm so bored."
"Why don't you write?"
"Write kwa? Write what?"
"But you used to... "
"See, I don't write anymore, OK? I know I used to love writing but I'm over that."
"If it wasn't important to you, you wouldn't have brought those books with you. All those ideas you had, books you didn't complete. If your writing wasn't important, you would have left them behind."
"See,you got it. I've never completed a book. What makes you think I can do it now?"
"Because you can. And you have nothing else to do"
"Nice." Kambili replied sarcastically    
"I try my best." she shrugged
"Just think about it."
"I will oh. I will."
"Good, now it's time for you to go to sleep."
"Huh"
She felt her sister's hands threading through her hair. Before she knew it, she was fast asleep.

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Na so basically means yeah,right or something like that.