Memories and forwards

New to high school

September, new academic year, new high school, same people.

The feeling of being a grown-up because you are in high school. The moment when all you want is to belong.

In my new high school, there were students joining from other primary schools. It was time to expand you friendship circles, get to know people and form groups. There was a group of the "popus", popular people the whole year knew about. Another one of "cool" people. The "football boys". The "bad girls" group who smoke, party and drink at the age of 12. And then, the rest. At least that was my vision, how I saw my year and I am certain these cliche groups are present in more high schools.

With my "fit in" mindset, all I wanted is to be included in a cool group and not be a weirdo or a dork. So I joined the "cool" group given some of the girls that I considered my friends, including the one from the camp, were part of this group. But what did I do to fit in and be accepted? I did what I was told to do. I believed what they said. I preserved the group rules as the rest did.

There was a tiny huge difference that I learned about later in life. When you need to make so many efforts to fit in, give up who you are, there might be a problem. Maybe you are not naturally part of the group... And that is what happened. I did not feel right in that group, I felt out of place but I still wanted to be part of it. The other option I had otherwise was going with the dorks (they are not dorks actually, they are very nice persons who did not care about popularity. But that was how I saw them, consumed by my "cool" group's opinion). But, Is it worth giving up oneself to belong?

High school changes hit me hard. It was not cool to talk to your parents, I wanted my space. But at the same time, I was not feeling alright, I was not comfortable with my friendships in high school. I kind of felt I was in trouble but did not actually know why. Anyway, I was distant at home and pretended to be annoyed when my family asked me about my high school friendships. Indeed they never knew who my group of friends was in high school.

I was also distant because I could feel I had a problem, but I did want to keep being the perfect child. I cared so much about my image, about being the best daughter, bringing home good grades and happiness, do what I am expected to do. So I decided to keep my parents away from my troubled feelings and problems. But I am sure I was not feeling well. I had excellent grades, I kept going to music lessons and basketball training, I was kind to everybody, had people around me all the time and my family seemed happy with me. However, I was not happy. I did not know why, I just thought life should feel like that.

I can say in advance that it is okay not to be happy all the time but life overall should feel good.