Tessa's Reflection

Chapter 1

Tessa POV
I sat completely consumed in my thoughts. My mind was racing, no sense or order was present, just thought after thought emerging. Cramming and pushing against the walls inside my head. My imagination was something I once treasured, inventive and visionary making the simplest memories captivating but not now. Now images were dangling behind my eyelids. Hanging from the dark silk lines of the intricate web my mind was so effortlessly weaving. Each image from memory or mind pulling me deeper into the dark abyss.

I have no idea how long I have sat here within the prison of my mind, time seems to have evaporated without my realising. I sat at the bay window watching the rain trickle down the pane, the smell of wet grass filing my senses from the park close by. It was daylight although grey and cloudy it was day light when I began to sit here. Now as my eyes scan the outside world I see that it has darkened, much like my current state of mind. The street lights aren't on yet, I can only assume it is late afternoon. I hear a faint buzz is sounding in the back ground, removing me from my sedated sombre. I already know without hesitation who it is, the only person who has to call me daily with nothing to say just merely to interfere or give me some uninvited advice on life. My Mom.

We really do differ, it often makes me question what we have in common other than our family genes and how her eyes always seem more of a reflection of my own rather than the window to another's sole. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed. There is no question that I have always been loved, cared for and most of all the centre of her entire universe but at times there is just something missing, like we are two strangers, our personalities clash mostly. Both of us have the opinion that we know best, when in reality we could both learn from one another. Although neither of us would ever admit to this, surely that would be accepting defeat that we have flaws and faults we don't wish to air just yet, or maybe never. As much as I appreciate the distraction, I don't answer. Which will inevitably result in a text message. 3, 2, 1 ....... Ping! I know this woman so well, I have become accustomed to her needy ways, laced with love but still needy. If I read it now I will get a follow up call and just now I don't feel much like talking. My conscious kicks in, I know by ignoring her attempts to reach me she will only worry and I don't wish to cause that unnecessarily. I pick up the phone; All good, just studying. Speak later x. Send.

Now I can return to reliving the past within my mind, this is not a usual pass time of mine but today it seems the darkness is more inviting than the light. We all have these days? Sure we do? I think we do? I tell myself. Trying to persuade my mind this is a one off and we won't be settling here for much longer, no need to set up camp and explore the dark for longer than needed. This is overwhelming for me, I am normally upbeat and alwyas look at the positives of life at all times but so much is changing and happening in my world right now I just needed to sit here and be at one with some of the darkness inside me. The darkness that no one has ever seen or been aware of.

I can't believe that after everything Hardin and I have been through, apart and together it is only now beginning to invade my mind. I have felt so much during my experience that is Hardin, sometimes to much. I've felt my entire being changing, from who I was to who I am now. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change any of the journey we have been on, if I did I wouldn't be who I am today but only now can I truly understand how the darkness is alluring but dangerous. To allow yourself to be consumed by the bad rather than the good.

Hardin left early this morning, it's the beginning of his book tour. I'm so proud of the man he has become. No matter what challenges he has faced, he proved to everyone that he could be the Hardin we all knew he was and the best part is that he was falling in love with himself, after all the hate he had for himself, finally the man who had my heart from the start is realising that he always deserved it by being his true self.

I love that Hardin has accomplished so much, even if I couldn't fully understand why the first book was necessary, to tell the world about our troublesome love story but now I realise that was the first step to redemption for him, his way of releasing the secrets he had held for so long, good or bad. No more painful past surprises to test us, it was all there in his own words, allowing him to free himself of the guilt. Clearing out his closet of past ghosts as such.

He asked me to go along with him but I have so much studying to do and I didn't want the spotlight, I would rather he experienced this himself, for all his hard work. He truly deserves this. Plus we speak daily and he will only be away for a week. A week where I have no distractions as he is the master of this, always throwing me a look that makes me shiver with pleasure and it always leads to being sat on his lap, caressing his hair, his touch is electric and I crave it. His touch has become my source of air, breathing it in and enjoying every beautiful moment that this man holds my heart in his hands.