this might get repetitive. i've probably said some of it before. but it's a rant, and it's me and my pessimism. so like. yeah. i'm just complaining here bc no one wants to hear it lmao.
Last Saturday I had a long ass panic attack, like the worst I've had in a very long time
When Chase (...yeah we've been together again for 2 months now) was stressed about needing to get the english hw done (read 100 pages and write a reflection) and he helped me anyway
I was crying and I couldn't talk or breathe but he just shhhhed and said he loved me and everything's okay over and over
And when I'd calmed down a bit which took what felt like a thousand years of hyperventilation (it was probably like ten minutes lmao) he said this thing to distract me
"imagine your feet are a bright passionate red
blending into a vibrant orange on your ankles and lower legs
then your thighs and your uh pelvic area are a beautiful yellow
your stomach a striking forest green blending into your chest area that's blue like the sky
and then it fades into an indigo on your neck, darker blue like the night sky
then all the way to the top of your head is a pretty purple"
and he told me his mom told him that before and 🥺
when i was completely calm he did dumb shit to make me laugh and then he read the book for english class out loud until i fell asleep at some point
he's trying to do better, i can tell
if he snaps at me he recognizes it and apologizes
and idk how to feel
i love him obviously but
it's really complicated because idk
if it's MY fault that sometimes it feels like he doesn't care
reasons it could be my fault:
- i'm self-degrading and every time someone takes longer than 4 seconds to respond i think "oh they hate me and they don't give a fuck about my problems"
- i have a LOT of problems. obviously i can't expect him to be there all the time, and i don't want that either. but sometimes i'm having my daily crying sesh ✌️ and i text him and he doesn't reply and that makes me 1000000x sadder ;_; the point is, maybe i have so many panic attacks that he thinks "well it's normal she'll be fine."
- i assume the worst. if he's not responding, he's playing video games and deliberately ignoring me, or he's talking to one of his 7 exes (he's friends with all of them. yay) or he's watching youtube/has better things to do...like there's no way he's eating dinner or didn't see the notification. he just hates me.
- i notice all the little things. and he says he's a very simple minded person and he hides nothing. (that does sound about right.) so my doubts where i'm like pointing out patterns of his—well with the example of him ignoring me, he'd say that if he didn't like talking to me/wanted to ignore me, he'd tell me. he doesn't understand why i think he's so secretive and everything. and anyway i end up making up problems in my head i guess.
he's really sweet sometimes y'know? he makes me feel loved and wanted and idk nobody's ever cared about me like that
so i keep thinking i'm expecting/asking for too much
he kinda ignores me all day and dedicates 2 am-8 am to talking to me. so i can't even have a normal sleeping schedule if i want to spend time with him ;-; although i've never talked to him about that or said that it bothers me...i kinda just say "i'm gonna go to sleep" and he says "NONONONO DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" and then resumes playing video games and ignoring me until it's a good time to remember i exist. it used to be during the day. then 11 pm. then 1 am. and now. fucking late as hell
i can't blame him for not seeing my calls or being busy but what the hell is he doing we're in isolation all he HAS to do is eat dinner with his family for maybe an hour and do homework (which for the record, i'm doing half of it for him) but come on. i can get all of my homework for the week done in one day. and even if i'm doing homework. or something i really enjoy like writing when i'm really in the mood or rping or some other time-consuming video game equivalent for boring people. if you text me a ton, i'll check my phone. maybe i'll ignore you. but not if you say you're having a fucking panic attack. i think he just sees he's getting texts and then turns off his phone like "well if i don't look at it then i have the excuse that i didn't know what was happening" bc he assumes if i'm texting him i'm panicking.
which i probably am.
gesture to the bold. this very well may be my mind making shit up.
