Love Me Harder (Taynew)

Chapter 2: Of dreams and reality

A life without colours.

Click.

That is how Tay would described his life, a world painted with shades of grey. Like old withered photographs which were once sprinkled with bright and vibrant colours. His world seemingly to remind him of old film movies he used to watch on Wednesday night when he was a kid. Contours and lines graced with black ink only to leave white to fill in empty spaces of his life. He doesn't mind, Tay shook his head. Not really.

Sounds of shutters snapping pictures after pictures which revolve around people. Snap. A toddler with tears streaming down as she was held close, cradled in her mum's arm. Snap. Dark coffee spilled across the table. Tay inhaled a gulp of air and lets his camera dangling on his side as he watched the sun setting down, slowly disappearing behind the dark sky.

Setting up his camera, he changed the angle this time and turned to the big crowd this time. Snap. A group of girls laughing with hands covering their mouth. Snap. An old man crossed the road. Snap. A guy with a cap was standing still next to a pole. He took a look at his lens again, zooming in at the pale face. Tay lowered his camera and blinked, somehow, the figure looks familiar. His thoughts were interrupted by a phone call.

Slipping out his phone, his thumb halted as soon as he saw Lee's name appeared, flashing bright on the screen. It's been two weeks since they talked to each other. He gulped a mouthful of breath before deciding to wait for a minute. The call died down. But, not a even two seconds after that, the screen flashes again and it just brought a smile to his face. Knowing Lee, the guy hardly gives up and very persistent in getting what he wants. It is also one of his charms that made Tay fell for him in the first place. Agitatedly, he slid the button and answered.

"Hey. What's up?" Tay answered in a chirpy voice, it sounded a little off. He hoped Lee doesn't hear it.

"Hey. I just want to tell you that I just grabbed my things from your place"

He shuffled his feet slightly and nodded, swallowing before responds in a quiet tone, "Oh. Okay. That's great"

A silence stretched between them as the clock ticks.

"Listen, I know that we were just fucking around before but are you really okay with this? You know, with me having a girlfriend"

"Of course, I am" he laughed half-heartedly before continued, "Don't worry. It's not like we were in a relationship to begin with" Tay said with a deep breath and eased a grin on his lips. It sounds insensitive as soon as it rolled out from his tongue yet Tay doesn't take it back, neither he is feeling guilty. It was the truth.

"Right" was the only thing that Lee managed to say.

Tay willed himself to shut his eye for a moment, pushing away everything that is lurching up in his throat. It is suffocating. Hands were holding tight on his camera as he clenches his jaw, fingers tugging on the strap.

"Yeah" Tay shrugged it off and tried not to pay attention at sound of disappointment on the other line because what else he was supposed to say? After all, he was the one who cuts off this tie between them. The atmosphere is getting heavy and the airway of his throat is getting tight that he found himself drowning, painfully slow, so Tay does what he is especially best at.

He escapes.

Clearing his throat, Tay speaks, "Lee, I got a work to do. Let's hang out whenever you're free. Okay?" It was a lie. He doubts they are going to hang out again despite what happened, at least, that is how it usually plays out in his life.

"Okay. Yeah...Bye" and the other hanged up as it beeped.

Tay ran his hand through his hair and sighed, ignoring the slight pain on his chest. Turning his feet around, he looked across the road again with his lens. The guy is nowhere to be found and the street was starting to clear from crowd of people as the sky was getting darker. Biting on his lip, he decided that he should probably head home. Tay kept his camera inside his bag and waited for the light to turn green before he crossed the road.

-

It was somewhere between end of summer and start of rainy season when Tay caught a cold, wheezing horribly as he braced himself under the rush of chilly wind slapping at his skin. Teeth chattering and he breathed to puff some of the heat on his palm, body shivering as he fastens his walk through pedestrians on the roadside.

Tucking his chin lower under his hoodie, Tay coughed noisily in his palm and pulled his jacket tighter. His head was a little bit dizzy after nearly half an hour walking around the streets and groaned in relief when he saw GMM building in the corner of his eyes, catching up his pace altogether as he shouldered the camera bag on his side, nearly tripping over knocking people passing by.

It was early in the morning and sun has barely set in. Tay has a cup of espresso in his hand to sober him up from yesterday's hangover which was his worst decision ever. He did not plan on getting drunk last night but Neng's grin was contagious, radiating with happiness as if getting his first pay was like winning a trophy so Tay did not reject the drinks and kept it coming until he passed out.

He had woken up with a pulsing headache in the morning, phone blaring next to his ear and as soon as he picked up, all he got was panicked voice from Off, yelling that an assistant photographer had bailed in the last minute so he could only depend on Tay to keep his job with countless of please please please. Tay said yes without a beat since he's at the end of the month and money in his bank could barely covered his expense until next month. Before the month ends, he got a phone call interview and thanks to his countless experience in the past, he managed to secure the job.

"Introducing, Tawan Vihokratana, the new assistant photographer for this photoshoot" Off began as soon as everyone was seated in the meeting room.

Tay stood straight and greeted them properly with a waii, bowing slightly. He introduced himself calmly and making sure he made eye contacts with everyone for the sake of formality. He sat down and wandered his eyes around the room, scanning each faces only to halt at the fair skinned guy sitting across him, nodding in acknowledgement when the guy smiled at him.

"Hello. My name is Thitipoom Techaapaikhun, I'm the model for today. Please take care of me" Everyone clapped as soon as the guy introduced himself, plopping back into his seat once he finished it with a bright smile. It was mesmerizing, Tay thought. Too mesmerizing.

Apparently, the guy he slept with two weeks ago goes by the name New or Newwie, who is quite a newbie in the industry. Tay clicked his tongue as he remembered New from a couple of pictorials of some magazines that was laid in the common room for staffs. Off also had mentioned to him once, telling him that GMM just recruited a new model for their upcoming projects. And New is just like everything Off had described; tall, fresh-faced, young blood with eyes full of determination. Tay bit his inner cheek.

It was a bit of chaos like usual but the photoshoot started off smoothly with Tay was running around the studio set, making sure every props were in its place with a camera dangling on his other hand. Some other time, he would ran to the other side to fix the lighting and stood next to the director as he took notes on the importance of props's colours or which angle to shoot from to make the model appeared taller and so on.

"Awesome!"

Click.

"Gorgeous!" the director's yells continued echoing through the whole room, reaching every corner with every snap of shutter.

"Perfect!"

Now that Tay has the chance to look at New under the bright fluorescent light, he can't deny it. New is pretty handsome and quite fair for a guy. His features is a complete package for a model, toned body, wide chest and height almost 180 cm with bright shining eyes. Tay forced himself to tear his eyes away from the monitor and shrugged off the way his heart flutters.

Despite how little experience New has, Tay was surprised at his ability to cope and adapt into the environment very quickly, how his face changes 360 degrees instantly as soon as the camera rolls. Although, there are some time he struggled to pull in the emotions or the right pose but the determination flickered in his eyes made Tay reminded of his younger self, back when he was clouding in the fantasy of dream.

New is naive, he could tell.