Unsteady

Chapter Four

          Zoe stepped out of the bathroom, hands still shaking. She'd taken the other two tests and they both came up positive. After retching with her head over the toilet for another few minutes, she made the silent decision to pretend this never happened, at least until the end of the day. There were kids out there depending on her for the best day ever. She couldn't mess it up.

          Outside, nobody seemed to notice her. There was such an atmosphere that nobody looked twice at the way she stumbled into the yard in a heap of scraggly hair and shock. She checked her watch. How could it have been an hour already? The world was spinning around her like it had been this morning but Zoe was determined to make it to the arena where Marcus would be waiting for her to get the showjumping display started.

          Surely enough, Marcus was standing there with a tacked-up Raven, his eyes searching through the crowd. When they landed on Zoe they lit up and he flashed a smile. It made her want to be sick again but she forced it back down and wobbled towards the arena, which was getting further and further away.

          'Zoe?' Marcus said when she found herself standing in front of him, his voice coated in concern. There was no reply.

          'Zoe are you OK? You look kind of pale. Are you sick?'

The words echoed through her ears and bounced off the inside walls of her head but she could barely make sense of them.

          'I'm fine,' she muttered, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

She slid past him and mounted Raven, praying that he'd take it easy on her today. Was it even safe to be riding while she was pregnant? No, the thought was shoved to the deepest, darkest corner of her mind. She couldn't think of right now.

          'Hey!' Marcus hollered to the crowd. 'Who wants to see this girl do some jumps?'

          The swarm of kids turned in their direction. Marcus could have a very dominant voice at times, being a riding instructor and all. It could be scary even when he didn't mean to be. Hopefully he hadn't scared any of the kids, but Zoe took their excited gasps and pounding footsteps as a good sign. They gathered around the edge of the arena and gazed intently at her and Raven, lollipops in their mouths and balloons tied to their wrists. Zoe tried not to think of the fact that she had a smaller one of those kids inside her as she clicked her tongue and got Raven into a walk.

          He did a clear round, starting with the cross jumps, the water jump and finally the puissance wall. There were ooooohs and ahhhhhs from the crowd but it all went over her head. Raven knew her so well that it was almost like he knew something was up. His leaps were smoother, his landings softer. He turned more carefully and even took on the water jump with ease. Zoe gave him a grateful pet as they slowed from a canter to a trot, and a trot to a walk.

          Just as she was about to dismount, a familiar face stood out to her in the yard. Blood rushed to her cheeks as a wave of nausea washed over her and she was fuelled with rage all at once. She led Raven out of the arena and through the crowd before stopping dead in her tracks. Pin was adjusting Elvis' bridle when their gazes met. Hers angry - his fearful.

          'Zoe.'

          'Pin.'

          'You did a clear round. Well done,' he said sheepishly, knowing well that Zoe wasn't impressed. She crossed her arms.

          'Where have you been? Why haven't you called me? I was so confused and upset and -' 

Suddenly, Zoe broke into tears and her shoulders heaved up and down to the rhythm of her sobs. There was no other word to describe what washed over Pin's face then but fear. He screwed up and he knew it. Meanwhile, Zoe berated herself for letting her hormones get the better of her.

          'I-I'm sorry,' Pin said, his voice wavering, 'There's been lots going on lately. I just needed time to digest it.'

          'Like what?' Zoe snapped, sure that she looked like a real mess. Pin held his breath.

          'My Mum is home.'

          'She's home? What do you mean she's home?'

          'She showed up a couple of days ago. Something about wanting to make up for lost time. I'm suspicious, but I'm going along with it. I don't expect it to last so I wanted to make the most of it while she stuck around. I'm sorry I didn't call you, Zoe. I wanted to. My head's just been scrambled ever since. I don't know what to think.'

Well now she definitely couldn't tell him she was pregnant.

          'It's fine,' Zoe stammered. 'I hope everything's OK. Don't mind me I'm just...emotional.'

          'Ah come here,' Pin said, pulling her into his arms. It was warm like he always was, and for the first time today she felt somewhat at ease. Pin had a habit of doing that, of making her feel protected when he was around, even if he couldn't protect her from the disaster that was going to ensue.

         'Tell you what,' he said, 'will you take it easy while I do my round, and I'll come straight back to look after you?'

Oh boy. Here were the tears again.

          'Yes,' Zoe croaked, causing Pin to give her another tight squeeze. He kissed the top of her head before leading Elvis away, taking his warmth and part of her heart with him. What was she going to do?

⁂

          Things were tense that evening at home. Zoe didn't want to look at her Mum, nevermind speak to her. Not when she knew she was going to disappoint her more than she ever has before. Zoe's uptight demeanor even caused Rosie to shy away in silence. Frank tried to crack a few jokes, but she was holding back tears as she scraped her plate of spaghetti bolognese.

          Nobody made a sound when she slipped her plate into the dishwasher and disappeared wordlessly up the stairs. It was the first time all day that she got to be on her own, and she needed space to process this whole thing whether she wanted to or not.

          Zoe clicked the bedroom door shut behind her and collapsed onto her bed. She stared at the ceiling. Despite everything that happened today, her mind was as blank as the white paint above her. Was she happy? Was she sad? And then the final question came.

Whose baby was it?

          There were only two potential fathers; Pin and, as much as she hated to admit, the other was Marcus. They only broke up a couple of weeks ago, around the time of Zoe's sweet sixteen when Marcus found out that Pin kissed her while he was at the academy. Shortly after came her relationship with Pin, and it progressed so fast that either one could have fathered the child. Her child. Their child, whoever they were.

          Deep down, she hoped it was Pin's. If Zoe truly knew Pin, he wouldn't run away from his role as a dad. He wouldn't leave her to look after the baby herself, or berate her for being the carrier of such an accident. Not that Marcus would either - he wasn't all bad - but she'd rather not have to raise a child with someone she can barely speak to in the yard.

          Who was she going to tell? Who could she tell, when she didn't even know who the baby's father was? Becky and Jade maybe, even if Becky was on the verge of leaving Bright Fields for good. Could she tell Pin? There was no way she was telling Marcus. She couldn't if she wanted to. Rosie would blab to the whole island, right after scolding Zoe for her reckless actions. Her Mum was right - Zoe was definitely too impulsive.

          After some tossing and turning in the bed, Zoe came to a conclusion. Becky and Jade were the best bet, then Pin, and then her Mum. Maybe by then she could figure out who was more likely to have been the father. That's what she needed - it was time.

          She sucked in a deep breath and turned her head to the side. Out the window, in the distance, she could see the yard, and the door of Raven's stable. Sorrow pooled in her stomach at the thought of not being able to ride. The trainers didn't have to know, though. Not until she was showing.

          Zoe stayed there a while, gazing out at the life she knew she'd have to say goodbye to. A hot, burning sensation took over her eyes as the thick, fat tears began rolling down her cheeks.

Stupid hormones.