What a time to be alive huh? Sorry if I sound a bit obnoxious right now, I'm a bit frustrated. The worlds in absolute panic, no one can go outside, people are losing their minds. To be honest I think I'm starting to lose my marbles a bit myself haha. I don't know whether it's being in the house for so long with the same people or if it's my bottled up frustrations that making me go a bit crazy though.
I feel kind of at war with myself, who I am, who I'm seen as, the pandemic, online school. There's just so many reasons for me to be upset about but I can't seem to pinpoint just one. I struggle to meet my parents expectations, my schools expectations, I can't even be a good friend. I got upset with someone who was just trying to make me feel better, I snapped at someone I'm not even sure I should be upset at. Maybe I'm just tired of it all, the whole facade. I know that's just an excuse though.
I keep hearing people say that I'm their homie or a friend of theirs, yet for some odd reason these are the same people who can't even bother to check their messages. But they sure would check if they wanted something from someone or when THEY need the advice and help with a situation. I honestly can't be bothered. I also find it kind of amusing how people can claim to always be there for me and act all big brained yet when I do need some help they aren't available.
So I thought, "What if I went unavailable?"
Apparently not well. Me going offline with a black profile picture and the words User Not Found seemed to cause quite the panic. But only to three people. Three people out of the 45 people on my friends list on discord. I guess this is why I've been told that friends will come and go. No real emotional connection, fallacies, miscommunication. All things that are perfectly natural in the world of online friendships. Now I'm not accusing everyone of doing so but you've gotta admit that a lot of people do it.
This kind of feels like a job even though I've never had one before. You've gotta answer calls, write reports on the newest trends, analyze every employees background history, change to fit situations.
I want to better myself, I want to find myself. And I hope that you will follow me on this journey to do so.
One of my favourite quotes written by r.h. sin reads:
Don't let anyone tell you that your
independence is the reason for you
being single. Your strength as a woman
isn't the cause for your loneliness.
You're alone because you'd rather
not entertain a weak man.
And frankly, I agree. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with yourself and there's nothing wrong with hanging out with others. But the word enough is also something that we need to understand.
We need to understand that we are enough.
