Ways of love

Shovel

„I don't know..." I told Tara uneasily. "it is just really scary." She smiled. "I know love, we've talked about this so many times, I know it is really scary and big for you." She watched me attentively. "You know, you can always have a few glasses of wine. It'll make things easier I'm sure." I pressed my lips together. "Yeah I thought about that too, honestly at this point I might as well do anything to... 'take the edge off'". Tara laughed "Well, if you want to 'take the edge off', you already know my recommendation!" she winked at me. I started to grin. "I don't know. I told you I don't want to start smoking weed at a regular basis." "Honey, technically doing it once every two weeks already means doing it regularly – by definition, I mean." She gave me her most winning smirk. I started laughing. Our equally great love for language and her borderline OCD precision when it came to using it had been a source of a lot of banter in our 10 years of being best friends. "Touchè, I would very much like to give you that one!" I laughed, "but I am still not sure about it – I'll probably just act very weird later on. Being the only one who's high and Rich not knowing that I am will make everything feel more awkward."

Tara looked me in the eyes. "I know, I was only teasing – I don't want you to feel like you have to anything you don't want to." Suddenly I felt like she wasn't talking about the weed. I tried to make a joke of it and said winningly "Well, Tara Bullard, I have never seen you give up so easily. I guess I am the one wearing the pants in our relationship!" She smiled, but I noticed right away that she had seen through my act. "Honestly though, are you sure you are feeling ok about this? After all, it is very important to you!" I looked at the trees behind her. How was I feeling?

I had been waiting for this for years. I had felt as though something was wrong with me because it hadn't come yet. But what was driving all these feelings? No, I am scared, of course. But this is what I've been whining about for years. Ever since all of my friends started to tell me their own stories about it, I wanted to have one to tell for myself. I will not back down now. Who knows when another chance will come around again?! I looked back at Tara. "I am feeling great, honestly! Being nervous is pretty normal, right? I should feel nervous!" She hadn't taken her eyes off me ever since she asked me about my feelings. I started to nervously shift around – I knew she probably was seeing through what I was saying. But at the time, I was also sure that what I said was what I felt. Well, as sure as you can be when you have not yet discovered what could be making you unsure. "Of course it is normal to feel nervous!" she smiled and turned her head, laying back down on the grass. She thought she was sure too.

I lay down besides her, staring into the sky. "Can you see the bunny?" I asked, pointing at a cloud. She looked at me as if I'd gone crazy. "Sometimes I feel like you watch too many movies!" What did she mean by that? Then she smiled "Sure, I guess it looks like a bunny." We both started laughing.

An hour later, it was time for me to go. "And you are sure you don't want some kind of... relaxation-promoting-substance?", Tara asked. "Yes, I'm sure... Well I guess I will drink some wine later on to make it less hard." She immediately started laughing and I felt my face turning red. I forced myself to grin as if I had purposefully made a joke. She came over and hugged me. "You can call me later, if you want to. Otherwise I'll see you tomorrow – and I can't wait to hear how it was for you! I am with you on everything you do, you know that right?" I smiled. "I know, Tara, thank you. You will be the first to hear all that is about to happen!" When I finished that sentence, I felt a clump of nervousness stuck in my throat. She looked at me and new at the exact moment how I was feeling. She lifted her chin.

"I'll ask you one last time: Are you-"

"I am sure!"

"Ok", she said, smiling again, "I'll be waiting for you girlfriend". We both laughed again. Then we hugged. Then I left.

On my way to Rich's place my thoughts wandered to stories. The story of my oldest friend, Clara, who'd had her first time when she was only 14 and was the first of our group to do it. I remembered how I looked at her in a totally different way. How I had looked at all of them in a totally different way, once they'd had sex. Not judgemental, or worried. Just... different. Whenever one of them had taken that step, they had... almost looked superior in my eyes. It was like they walked differently, had different gestures, more educated thoughts. But it wasn't that special, was it? Because what they all had in common, no matter how much they enjoyed or didn't enjoy their first time, was; they told me to stop worrying about it. That yes, it could be really special, but it was also something that had to come in it's own natural way. Some regretted it. Some loved it. Some didn't really want to talk about it. But all of them had this tallness to them, I thought, as I was looking outside the window of the bus.

We arrived at the station. I thanked the driver and he smiled at me surprised. Things like that, just smiles of strangers, always made me feel connected to the people around me a lot. They made me feel as if I was part of something bigger, a family of humans. I smiled at myself over that Irony; Wanting to connect with everyone but not close up, not giving away too much of yourself. Just taking in what they have to offer and what they need to let out. But never showing too much of yourself. What a perfect fucking metaphor. I walked up to the apartment block that Rich lived in. I felt like I had drunk too much soda, as I watched the electric bell closely. I looked at it as if it could tell me how I would feel, what it would be like to take off my clothes in front of someone else. The bell seemed to be the only thing separating me from complete and utter nakedness, from a kind of intimacy that could never be taken back and from the moment that – I was sure of it – I would remember for the rest of my life. I swallowed three, four, five big stones that slowly crumbled down into my prickling belly. Then I decided to ring, right on time, as always. Seven o'clock. The impulse to run away was greater than I ever would've imagined. I was so angry at myself in that moment. How can you be so fucking scared of the most normal thing in the world? If you will feel this level of fear for the rest of your life, whenever something similarly important to you happens, you will never get anything done! I wanted to be like my friend Alex. She always fell into everything with her eyes wide open. I wanted to have Tara next to me. She would know how to calm me down. I wanted to not have to be calmed down, I wanted to-

The door opened.

"Hey!" Rich smiled at me, "On time as always!" He gave me a hug. "Well, you know me." I grinned nervously as I tried to make my belly stop prickling by breathing slowly. I walked inside of his flat and took off my shoes. As I was untying them, I convinced myself that his eyes were fixated on me. I stood up.

"Do you want some of that wine you've been loving so much?" I nodded. He poured me a glass and we walked to the living room, discussing what movie to watch tonight. He asked me if I was ok with sleeping on the couch again, I said I was. We were just friends, after all and until then. It was a weird thing between Rich and me. I still don't know if he had already realized why I came there that night.

The next morning, I felt taller.