Losing Celine. ✔

Leaving Behind Reasons.

As I place the torn paper, the last page of my diary, on the first page of another blank dairy, my heartaches. I've always believed that adding meanings to things makes them more special, and that is why I've left the other paper where they felt like home. I'm sure Aiden will get there, somehow. I've given him the clues, these little parts of me that are all I have left. Even now, I'm giving myself away. Every single piece. I just hope he holds each like he should, with love. If he can.

My heart aches so deep that it makes memories fall out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Each breath of mine feels special, meaningful. I can almost catch my mind counting each, studying every single feeling that my heart feels. The world, it feels beautiful today.

'Will you please keep it safe?' I ask Jia the millionth time. She sighs impatiently.

'Yes, I will.'

'And I also remember that I don't have to send this to him, or call him and let him know about this. He'll come for it himself.'

I nod numbly.

I try to think about the fact that my work is done, I feel some weight lift from my heart. I've made it here, no matter how much I messed up while trying, it's working.

This pattern of leaving behind pieces of myself for a husband that hurt me so much. I imagine him finding this diary, reading the paper and finally realizing that it's all his fault. I don't know when he will find this if it will be too late, but it'll be worth it. It's always beautiful to give answers to someone as confused as I hope my husband will be. And a chance along with it, like the perfect bow on a gift. He'll get both. He just needs to think.

Think as much as I've been thinking all these years, wondering why, and not finding an answer, not until the very end, when his soul is as hurt like mine.

I do know that I'm late. My careful planning turned out to be flawed. I've kicked a man twice and stolen a horse. I've decorated my skin with deep cuts, eight, for every single year I spent happy when I could have left, before things changed, and the world turned against me before it became so hard to leave.

I've sold my daughter, My Celine. I never knew I had the guts.

I can't remember what really happened. Just her pale frightened face, her body shaking with sobs. I was hurting her too much, she needed to go. She needed to be free. Free from me, free from this mess, free from this hurt. And I needed the money. I couldn't reach here without it, and I didn't know what to do.

I imagine Celine running around my house, laughing. I hear her laughter and it makes me feel a little better. I ignore the constant dark thoughts bursting inside my head, and try and focus on the paper ahead on me, written, carefully torn, crumbled. I want to leave more. I want to leave behind all the reasons. Every single secret of mine. The fact that I knew.

I did have, though that idea, it had felt romantic before, it doesn't feel that way anymore. I should have left more reasons, so he wouldn't possibly get over them. But a part of me does want him to move on, though I can't. I do want him to live, not die like I'm dying, slowly. That is what made me do everything that I have done. I want to make sure he realized what he has done, how he has killed me before I die.

Eight reasons await him, placed in the most perfect places, each with a meaningfulness that I hope he's able to grasp. I was able to leave those when I was feeling less lost. I know that I would have never been able to do everything I've done now. I'm already dying too fast, I don't have much time left. Today, I stared at a mirror and I saw this girl who doesn't look an inch like me.

I didn't mean to chop off my hair. But I couldn't stop thinking about how he always said that it was beautiful. I sort of acted without thinking, again.

And he was here, though I don't know how he got there. He didn't ask me questions, just watched. I wanted him to stop me, take me home. But he just watched.

I thought there was something meaningful in the act. I was punishing myself for being a bad wife. And I was printing memories on my skin that can't be scrubbed off. Happy memories fade too quickly when dark one keep coating my skin. I had to make sure that the good ones stayed. Eight memories, eight years, eight promises. All broken.

And then he went away, without me.

I remember that week when I decided that I had enough, when it was hurting too much and I was losing too much of myself, that's when I started to write down reasons. I wrote down all the reasons why I wanted to leave.

And that didn't seem beautiful enough. That type of beautiful that is horrible at the same time. I wanted it to to be like that. And so I decided that I had to run away. So that the reasons hurt him more. I had to run away because of those eight reasons, so they made sense. So they hurt him more.

A part of me still hoped, maybe he would realize and stop me. I wanted him to, so badly, to just try and change. But too much changed. And each change hurt so much.

I leave the shop. My heart hurts deeply. I wonder if I'll ever stop hurting. I close my eyes and heave a sigh.

Once Aiden said that when I hurt, he hurts too. But it was a lie. Because if it was true, he should be broken. I shouldn't break alone. I open my eyes and stare at my trembling hands. A small sad smile forms on my face. I've done this. I'm free.

Groaning, I try to walk ahead, my legs shake so much, and my vision is so clouded by tears, that it's a struggle. I walk slowly, carefully.

I glance back halfway, a part of me wants to stay.

I glance at my hands again and blink. There are no cuts, but they were. I gulp, feeling hopeless. I miss the sweetness of hope, the delicious taste.

I really must be broken. Because the world has messed up to the last extent. I don't know what is real anymore.

And just like that, a thought burst inside my head.

Maybe yes, that's it. I haven't made too many mistakes. Maybe I just need to go home and Celine will my there. Oh, my darling. She'll rush towards me begging me to hold her. And Aiden-

I fall, gasping. I need to go home. The temptation is so strong that I don't care what'll happen next anymore. I try to get up, but my body trembles too much. I look around, there is nobody here to help me. It breaks my heart.

I try to get up again. The world spins, fast, blinding.

No Lucy. Think. Please think. Don't give up. You can go back. Celine will be there-

Celine. I gasp, remembering what I've done. I fall down again.

I-

I stare at my shaking hands, my eyes wide

What have I done? What have you done Lucy?

I cry. I don't know is that is how it was meant to be. But it does happen so. My sobs shake me, hurting my throat. Pain blinds me, pulling me down, into darkness and I try to breathe, but I can't.

Celine. My baby. My darling.

I allow the pain to rob my breath away. I deserve this. Oh God, what have I done? Nothing matters anymore. All I want is my Celine. But she isn't here. Why isn't she here?

I lie on the ground, wondering why a car hasn't passed yet. I need someone to help me find my Celine. Through the darkness, I try to see. And I see a car. A car rushing towards me.

'Oh, God.' I breathe, knowing what's about to happen, expecting the car to stop too late. 'My Celine.' I whisper, and the car doesn't slow down. The world turns against me, for one last time.

'Please' I close my eyes, and feel a tear leak. I try to get up, but I've twisted my leg, I can't. My mind spins, Aiden would be disappointed if I don't even try. And I try, I fight back, trying to get up. But the car doesn't slow down. It hits me.

The world fades away, in a single second. My body groans and for a moment, I feel like I'm flying, and somehow, I smile. But I fall down again. And I feel, for just a single second, before my life slips through my clenched hand.