Moments are better left in the past...

Chapter Pêt

I hope that the adorable picture of fluffle puff is enough for you guys to forgive me >.< oh and guys if any of you out there need my help (need someone to talk to or complain etc. my emails emj13jones@gmail.com ... if it doesn't already say that somewhere >.<

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Niall's P.O.V:

Midnight. It's cold. It's dark. It's lonely. Keshas lyrics running through my head like flames through paper. With every move I die, I'm fading, I'm broken inside, I've wasted the love of my life, I'm losin it, losin it, losin it... With every move I die...

The bandages that still surround my wrist are itchy so I scratch them. Which of course do no good, because how do you scratch an itch through a material with no nails? I sigh. And unwrap the bandages the butterfly stitches are still there, still keepin this shit together. Unlike myself.

Josh, after a few nights, had taken to sleeping in his own room; thinking that I was okay. Course I'm not but he doesn't need to know this. I'm seeing my therapist in the morning, she's nice and she makes me laugh. But whenever it gets serious... I freeze and I become silent and we just sit there in a void. With me radiating darkness and numbness. She sighs and she writes down notes and then she brings in Josh and asks for a new appointment and the cycle is repeated. Cut, cut, cut, therapy, cut, cut, cut, therapy, increase of meds, cut.. You get the point.

I rub my sore tired eyes and check my wrist watch. 2:34am. Fuck. I go into my ensuite and run myself a bath. Getting my blade I wait for it to fill. Turning off the taps, putting my legs in, halfway up my calves. Lovely. Placing both my legs in I sink into the hot water. Delicious. The side of my blade gleams in the light. Beautiful. I run my fingers along the edge of my blade. Sharp. Turning my arm over, I press it hard. onto my forearm dig down and drag slowly downwards, I feel the pain and I clench my teeth. I can see the cut opening up already and blood starts to drip down into the water. I whimper and let pressure off. A cut there. An inch wide and possibly an inch deep. I gasp with the sensation and the sight of my blood dripping down onto the cool plastic of the bath. Unyielding. I do this multiple times. With the same result... Euphoria.

My bedrooms messy. But acceptable. The tissue pressed to my wrist is soft but needs to be replaced. I, somehow, open one of my draws and lift up the tissues. Immediately hating what I see. The wounds are so.. Open and so.. Icky. I get some antiseptic wipes and wipe away and dirt. Place down a pad and tape it there. Finding the bandages and wrapping them around my arms. It isn't easy with one arm, I look back at my wrist watch 3:17am. Shit...

I think about what I'm doing. Why I'm doing this. It's selfish and although it relieves my stress and my worry it doesn't help me at all. The sadness is still there. The black hole he tore open is still sucking away all my happiness, I hate myself.. I think it's time started to open up a little bit.

It's 5am before I pluck up the courage and knock on Josh's door. There's a murmur from with in and a large thud.. (He has a tendency to fall off the bed.. and on to the wooden floor). The door opens and his eyes widen with surprise. Seeing me stood there, in just a onesie.
"Niall? You alright dude?"
"I know it's late.. Or early, which ever way you look at it.. But do you mind if we talk?" Nudging the carpet with my toes, looking down nervously.
"Sure dude" ushering me in "come in." It's dark in here and it smells of Josh. When he closes the door it becomes pitch black. But he stumbles over to his bedside light and turns it on. Blinking to adjust to the light I sit at the end of the bed.

"Niall?"
"I wanna talk to you about seeing how I can improve my mood and stuff.."
"....." Silence. Awkward silence
".. n.. Niall.. Dude are you sure?"
I nod slowly, but surely. The warm embrace I feel next hurts my arms but feels buzzy.
"I'm so happy." I can sense the warm tears dripping onto my neck. And I smile uncertainly.
"Okay.. Well ima go to sleep now.." I get to the door and I turn.
"Love you Josh."
The door clicks softly shut.

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So guys what dya think? I'll see when I can update next, but it may be a while and I apologise for that >.< but know that I still want to and they will keep coming (:

Exxx