UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF

The Beginning

Hello everyone!!

I'm writing this book as in like a memoire about my life and stuff that I been through so far. I'm only 23 years old but who knew so much could happen in 23 years of living.  Who knew writing about yourself was going to be this hard? I mean it should be easy because you already know yourself, but do you really know yourself ? Sometimes I wonder how people see me, do  they see me like I see myself? Like this helpless girl that's been through so much in her life and that is still going through so much. I will be as real as I can in this book, I have been a victim of rape, and sexual assault all by "family" members. there's so much a human being could handle but hey everyone always sees me as the strong girl but only  if they knew. You guys are probably wondering oh why she put " family" in quotations. because this word doesn't mean anything to me, I think this family doesn't have the same definition as the one in the dictionary. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but I could count on my fingers  how many people will actually come to my funeral if I do die, which is very sad. this is just the start guys let's not bring the sadness yet.

I was adopted into a family that loves to pretend that they have their shits together when in reality they actually going crazy trying to show off and please each other. For some reason I was never interested in trying to please them. Anyways I was always looked as being different. I remember my mom always reminding me how she never wanted me in the first place. How no one wants me. Knowing this while growing up I was always asking myself this question like who would want me? Will someone eventually want me? I was told that my biological mom passed away while giving birth because she was very sick and my so called biological dad was against her giving birth, so after she passed away while giving birth my Adoptive Grandma was a worker at the hospital that my biological mom was giving birth to.  for some reason I always look at it has what did my adoptive grandma saw in me? like out of all those kids you seen get born and that's been left here you choose me. I always wonder what did she see in me. I'm still wondering it till this day. I was pretty much adopted you could say by my adoptive grandma, but then realize her daughter didn't have any children and told her to adopt me which in my opinion I  guess was a better life for me, but who knew that this amazing life" was going to be so harsh with so much burden. so many reminders how much I was unwanted. you guys are probably wondering what about you "biological" people where they at? Guess what they didn't want me neither, even my biological Grandma didn't want me. This is what I was told I will never know if its true or us this my Adoptive mom evil way of just pitting me down.

I didn't really grow up with my mom, I only saw her during vacations or sometimes she will come visit nothing to big or major about it. because of a recent event I had to go and stay with her and lord I didn't know what I was getting myself into until it was to late. I was 12 years old and already miserable. Can you imagine being 12 years old and being miserable? Well I can, I ended up living with her for 3 years and ohhh those 3 years were somewhat like hell. Not fully hell but lol maybe the Sample of it. Let me not portray her as the worst person I the world but ouuuu sis had her days. I ended up leaving and coming back before I turned 18 in the process of me going and coming back so much happened. we had a disagreement and I think it was best that I moved out. I thought moving out and going to live with her so call family members was going to be fun and oh lord was I wrong. So many rules we had to called follow. I though I was going to finally be free but oh was I wrong. in this household I ended up being sexually assaulted ( I'm going to speak my truth no matter how hard they try to shut me down)

I will try too be as detailed as I can, ouuuu I know this book is going to pissed off a lot of people but hey sometimes writing helps.