Why, HERIE?

Chapter Six : Reunion With Old Friends

I didn't sleep all night.

And it sucks.

Buong gabi akong nag-iisip at nagmumuni. I kept thinking about what everything Szcarina said. I can't believe she even saw the scars on my wrist.

These scars were the reason I always wear hoodies. To cover up everything. As in EVERYTHING. Hindi lang ang pulsuhan ko ang may peklat. Mayroon din sa iba't ibang parte. And I'm not planning on showing it to anyone.

Back in the darkest days of my life, darkness and self-harm were my only companion. I don't want to suicide so I just self-harm slightly. Iyong tipong hindi naman ako mamatay. Wounding myself helps me feel a lot better before. Everytime I see a single cut on my body, I treat it like it's almost a payment for one sin I commited.

So the more cuts, the more sins lifted.

I'm not insane, I'm just broken.

At kagabi, nakatalikod man ako, I can hear the pity and empathy on her voice. Iyon ang kinamumuhian ko. Ang kaawaan ako. She made look weak and helpless. Alam ko naman iyon sa sarili ko pero ayaw kong ipinamumukha pa sa'kin ang bagay na matagal ko ng alam. And I don't need her help. I don't need anyone's help. She should be grateful I let her live with me. So invading my privacy and digging up through my soul are the first things she shouldn't be doing.

Manirahan siya dito ng hindi ako pinapakealaman.

If only I was strong enough to turn her down, ginawa ko na. But there's part of me na pumipigil. What is wrong with me?

Sigh.

Tumayo ako at pumunta sa harap ng salamin. I stared at my own reflection.

I'm looking worse and worse.

The bones on my cheeks were already visible. The eyebags got darker and deeper. My lips were chapped and pale. And my body is thin as a stick. It's not helping that I'm 5'5 tall. It made me look thinner than I actually was.

Great. Just like depressed zombie.

Naligo ako sandali at nagbihis. I wore my signature hoodie and a pair of God knows how worn out shoes and jeans.

Pagkalabas ng kuwarto ay sumulyap pa ako sa guest room. Wala na akong naririnig na ingay at sarado ang pinto so maybe she already left. Nanlalatang bumababa ako at dumiretso sa kusina para sana kumuha ng tinapay. Napahinto ako nang may makitang nakatakip na pagkain sa table.

I slowly opened it and saw an omelette with a word 'sorry' written in it using ketsup.

Napangiwi ako.

How many times does she have to say sorry?

At gaano ba kababaw ang salitang 'yan sa tingin niya para banggitin niya ng banggitin?

I ate it anyway.

I locked the house as I made my way to the bus stop. Not long enough I finally made it to the school. Gaya ng lagi kong ginagawa, naglakad akong sa baba lang ang tingin, takip-takip ng hoodie ang mukha.

Funny how I belong to the well known students before but now I am just a nobody. A loner creepy outcast.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa strap habang naglalakad sa mga nagkukumpulang estudyante. I was looking down when I felt someone bumped to me.

"Stupid. Watch where you're going!" The girl hissed as I continued walking, ignoring her.

"Bitch." Gigil na pahabol niya. I acted like I heard nothing.

Nakarating ako sa room nang wala pang masyadong tao. Only the geek ones and early birds. Umupo ako sa usual spot ko, sa pinakadulo ng room. Lumipas ang ilang minuto at dumagsa na ang tao at dumating na ang professor. Sinulyapan ko ang mga kahilerang upuan. Walang nakaupo kahit isa. That's a relief for me.