Dust In The Light

Don't Let Me Drown

I'm drowning in guilt. Guilt that consumes me, reaching up to me with its clawing tendrils, pulling me under the surface.

I guess that's my fourth stage of grief.

I've already felt the self-pity, self-hatred and sorrow.

Now, it's time for the guilt.

Guilt at letting myself fall in love with a someone who could never feel the same.

Guilt at letting it show, no matter how hard I try to conceal it.

Guilt for hurting him with my cutting words.

Guilt at letting any of the above happen.

Guilt when he hands me the card that says:
Christopher William James Blake

&

Lily Madeleine Anderson

cordially invite

Eve Alexandria Lois Robertson

to their wedding on

17th March 2015.

"Well, congratulations are in order. How's the planning going along?"

I smile widely while the back of my eyes sting with unshed tears.

But there's no returning smile from Christopher this time.

No bright grin to reply to me.

No. Instead, this time, he takes a seat before me.
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I wish I could have told you the first day I realised that I well and truly did love you. I should have.

You weren't with Miss Anderson then, were you. I wonder why you've never mentioned a single word about her.

If you love her, then she must be a great girl.

I am happy. Really. Believe me. I am happy for you. I really am.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••
"Eve," he starts as he sits down and looks at me.

"I really have no idea where to start, but um, I-"

He pushes his glasses up his nose again and stares at his hands before swallowing and looking back up at me.

His eyes search mine in a way that makes my stomach turn.

"Eve, when I tell you to find someone who understands you, I mean it. I want you to find someone who will love and accept you as who you are and not reject it."

I nod numbly. I can already feel his next words looming on the horizon but I'm still in denial.

"Eve, sorry, but I don't feel the same way as you do about me as you do.

And at this, the fine, thin cracks in my heart that's he's patched up for my over the years give way as it breaks.

My fifth stage of grief.

Heartbreak.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Every time you tell me to find someone, I'd tell you the same thing.

I have you.

Now, I know those words aren't true in the way I need them to be anymore.

Now, I don't have you.

Without you, I'm just so alone in this great, big world.

Someday, Gran's going to leave too.

And then I'll have nobody left.

I always dreaded that day, yet now, it's here. Couldn't I have just a little more time in my blissful daydream?

I don't have you.