Fall in you

Displaced and Disordered

Kyuhyun was jarred awake, for the second time no less. This time, he was jerked into consciousness by his phone ringing. It was Ryeowook's ringtone. He reached under his pillow and pressed the lock button without even looking. In his haze of sleep, the memory of the previous day slowly came back to him. Panic began to rise in him, but this time, he leaned over the bed and puked into his trash can. He stared at his own sick and fell into a mental reality check. Was this what he had become now? A hyung that wakes up, hungover, unhappy and sexually frustrated? Although he had just rid himself of the alcohol, he knew the pit in his stomach would go nowhere until he and his dongsaeng were on good terms. He squinted and felt the bright light of his iPhone screen bringing on his inevitable headache. He quickly typed out a text message to his brother and got up to take a shower, hitting send before he could change his mind.

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Onew began to stir at the sound of a text notification.

Text message: Maknae pretty boy

Hyung-ah! Minho-hyung says he hasn't heard from you since yesterday. Are you okay?

Onew ignored Taemin, but saw that he had missed another text. His eyes widened in horror

Text message: Kyu-Hyung

I'm coming to see you. I can't stand it when we're on bad terms. Don't bother trying to stop me. I'll be there soon.

Oh my god Onew thought, a rush of panic flooding him from every side. He checked the timestamp on the message and saw that it was sent 38 minutes ago. Kyuhyun would be there any second.

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He took a breath before he walked in the door, even though he knew that Onew had already heard him enter SHINee's dorm. Hesitantly, he opened the door to Onew's room and discovered the boy curled into a ball in the middle of his bed, facing away from the door.

"Jinki-ah?" Kyuhyun broke the silence.

"Please, will you at least look at me?"

Onew quickly wiped away the fresh tears that blurred his vision, and sat upright to face Kyuhyun. His hyung was startled at first glance.

"What happened to you? You look terrible!" Kyuhyun exclaimed. The boy was pale as a ghost and the bags underneath his normally smiley eyes were shaded in purple.

He rolled his eyes. "Like you're one to talk." Onew didn't need to ask to know that his hyung was hungover and definitely feeling it.

Kyuhyun ignored the insult. "You gonna stay mad at me forever?" He asked.

"Mad at you? No, I'm not mad at you," Onew explained boldly. "I'm just mad at myself... shoulda kept my damn hands to myself..." with a blade, "you did nothing wrong... this whole thing is on me," stupid, stupid, stupid, the word echoed around his head as he stared off into space.

"Are we okay? You and I?" If that was the case, Kyuhyun wasn't picking up on it.

"We're okay," Onew said, dropping the false strength. He was too exhausted and his spirit was too broken to maintain the facade. "Of course we're okay. We'll always be okay, hyung... " his weak smile disappeared in favor of a lifeless blank look, as if he were transfixed on some area of empty space. "There's nothing you could say or do that would keep me away from you, or make me love you any less... I couldn't do it even if I tried." Onew was defeated and spoke in a dejected tone. Just hearing the truth spoken out loud stung, and from his own mouth no less.

Kyuhyun's heart broke at the little ones confession. "Then why are you... sad?" Kyuhyun asked even though he knew this wasn't quite the right word. Onew was giving him a familiar look, like he was 8 years old again.

He broke out of his trance to smile at the elder weakly and willed his voice to remain steady. "Just because we're okay doesn't mean that I am."

Kyuhyun didn't need to ask what he meant because the implications were written all over his dongsaeng's face. Their reconciliation brought back the missing pieces of Onew's broken heart, but it remained in fragments. Displaced and disordered, Onew doubted that the pieces would ever find their way back to being whole again.

Kyuhyun didn't know what to say, and instead moved to join Onew in his bed. The best he could do in this moment was just to be there with his dongsaeng. He gently took the boy's shoulders and placed his arm around Onew, pulling them back to lay together. Onew didn't bother resisting. He surrendered, knowing he was too weak, both mentally and physically, to even try to resist. He nestled into Kyuhyun's neck and chest, but kept it strictly brotherly. He closed his eyes and focused purely on the warmth radiating from the young man. The two lay there for a few minutes in silence. But it wasn't long before Onew's mind began to wander, even imagining for the briefest of moments that they were together, and that his hyung wanted him in the same way that he did. It was so wonderful, just imagining it brought tears to his eyes.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry- I can't, I can't do this!" Onew cried as he abruptly pulled away from his brother and sat up.

Kyuhyun covered his face with his hands, still laying down. In a low voice, he slowly said "Jinki-ah, how can you want me in that... like that... ?!" He stammered out. "I am your brother. Your hyung- not your bandmate, not your label mate, not your friend or coworker. We are full blooded siblings! I don't..." Kyuhyun lamented after sitting up.

Onew was facing the opposite direction. "I don't know," his voice broke into whispered pains. He frowned into the emptiness, "it hurts... you should go..."

Kyuhyun reached out to touch Onew's arm, and once he had a strong grip, he could feel the boy shaking. The pain was white hot, but it was such a loud and wonderful distraction that Onew didn't pull away.

It was too late to hide it though, because Kyuhyun had just noticed the red stains that were barely visible through Onew's dark grey shirt. Kyuhyun rolled up the boys sleeve, revealing the criss crossing slices that covered his arm, and Onew froze.

Kyuhyun's heart stopped, followed by a blinding headrush. In that moment, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and the picture it revealed delivered a devastating blow. Onew wasn't giving him the look of just any lost little kid; he was giving Kyuhyun a look that meant something specific, a look that was familiar because he knew what it meant but hadn't seen since in ages. A look that meant two things.

I'm lost. Help.