Just for a Moment

Moment 9

It has been almost a month since I last talked to him and it wasn't a good talk at all. I kept myself super busy in those times. I want to forget the pain, the doubts to myself, and all the things that came with him. It still hurts but what can I do? It ended. We ended. I don't have to conform myself on things that is already over. It's not healthy for me and for the people around me. Life must go on. I must go on.

But who am I kidding? It still gets me everytime. I just wanted someone who understands me and I thought it's him kasi naintindihan ko siya. Maybe even understanding is not always mutual.

It's hard to let a friend go, let alone a friend whom you fell in love with. and the situation is making it harder for me. I always see him at school because unfortunately, our rooms are in the same floor and building.  

I always see him with Jane, the girl he said he won't make a move to.  But I don't blame him, she's gorgeous and all that. While here I am, just a "nerd" as what he told me. 

All that has happened really took a toll on me. I wasn't myself and I know it, but I still continued my stupidity. 

Right now, I'm still convincing myself na hindi ko naman kasalanan na hindi niya ako mahal, hindi ko kasalanan na hindi ako sapat para sa kaniya. 

But self-doubt always wins. Saan ba ako nagkulang? Alam ko ang mali ko pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako nagkulang. As far as I know, binigay at ginawa ko naman lahat.

My mind is full of maybes. Maybe if I do this, he'd stay. Maybe if I say that, he'll understand. All those maybes and still nothing changes.

"Hey, ayos ka lang?" JM tapped my shoulder. Guess I'm spacing out too much I didin't notice that I'm already crying.

"Yep." I shortly said and gave him as small smile, trying to convince him but I know that he knows better.

I admit, I'm not fully healed and I need more time. I need time to build myself again, to find my worth, my peace and my passion. 

All I want is to be okay without relying to others. Ayaw kong iasa sa iba ang saya ko, ang ngiti ko at ang mga desisyon ko.

They invited me to come with them to watch a basketball game somewhere in Manila. I don't get why they have to travel so far just to watch a game. 

If I'm not here with them, I'm probably finished with school works and stuff. But maybe I needed this and I just haven't noticed it yet.

After a while, we have finally reached our destination. I'm still thinking that I'm not supposed to be with them. Baka matambakan na naman ako ng school works, wala pa man ding pagkukusa yung groupmates ko. Plus, I'm not really a fan of watching basketball games unless my friends are the ones playing.

When we got inside the arena, the game is already in play. It's the UP Fighting Maroons against the NU Bulldogs. We got lower box seats. Since I'm here so I could take off my mind on things that are not worthy, I gave my full attention to the game.

As the game progresses, the Gomez de Liano brothers really caught my attention. There's something in them, in their eyes that screams passion and love for what they are doing. I can see the soul in every second that they play. Kitang-kita 'yung puso at kagustuhang maitaas ang pangalan ng kanilang paaralan para sa bayan.

"Kain muna tayo bago umuwi. Gutom na gutom na ako" Ken stated while rubbing his tummy.

The game just ended, and the first thing I did after we got out of the arena is to search for the brothers' social media accounts.

"Hira, anong sa'yo?" JM asked as he sat across my seat.

"Hmm?"

"Akin na nga 'yang phone mo", he said after grabbing my phone out of my hand.

"Hey! Ano ba?"

"I'll give it back to you later. Anong order mo?"

After giving him my order, I looked around the fast food chain. I really like observing people. It kinda calms me and it somehow makes me feel better.

After we ate, we went back to the van. Binalik na rin ni JM ang phone ko. Then he placed himself beside me and leaned on my shoulder.

I unlocked my phone and continued stalking the GDL Bros. I learned that they have another brother who's almost the same age as me. 

I feel something. Something that says this is what I need.

In that moment, I figured out how I can find and be myself.