Ana's Boy

Ch. 1

SW:114 CW:107 Height: 5'4"

Will anybody ever truly understand the thoughts that fill my mind. Would it matter if they did? Is this pain I feel ever going to truly suffice, or is this fear of inadequacy going to consume me? I am repulsive. It really is that simple. Tired eyes stare back at me, the dust-stained mirror isn't going to hide the fact that my body is untouchable. I no longer feel like a teenage boy, just a deformed fat creature. Something has taken control of my mind, fills me with doubt, and persists to bully me. I can no longer shut it out. It is in fact for the best. I always felt imperfect, maybe now I can finally become someone worthy of love and compassion.

Restless thoughts fill me with anxiety and pressure me to do better. I cannot help but wish I was thinner, attractive, or at least had some talent or personality to contradict the ugliness that is me. Another night of no sleep, which will, of course, reflect on the scale. I am sorry to inform you that my weight has not drastically changed this week, overall a weight loss of seven meaningless pounds of fat. It has been two weeks and that is all I have managed to lose. It is honestly pathetic. lifting my shirt, I begin to study my stomach. Pinching my fat won't make it disappear, but I cannot help but obsess over my disgusting flesh. It's everywhere, fat, fat, and more fat.

It is hard to believe, how I let myself get this far. I pull down my shorts and stare in horror. I want a thigh gap, a real one not like the one I have. My legs are horrid. I want to feel my bones rubbing against my clothing. Not hugging, but hanging loosely against a frail perfect body. Then and then only will I be satisfied.

I feel tears begin to well up. I am hopeless. I wipe my tear-soaked eyes and start getting ready for school. I shouldn't bother to try and look cute when I'll look bad no matter what I wear, although I do care about my appearance It is best to hide my body. I don't want to make anyone sick. I put on my go-to outfit. An oversized tee and skinny jeans. You'd think you would have to be thin to wear them. I slip on my chucks and quicky brush my teeth. I take a long look in the mirror. I had dinner last night. I am positive I've gained, I can feel the fat added to my body. I am too scared to weigh myself. I'd rather not know.

Pathetic

It's going to take a lot of work to make up for what I did. I feel sick, and the worst part is that I enjoyed it. I thought I was getting better, I truly am hopeless.

Not hopeless just fat

I grab my bag and head out. Dad's already left for work. My dad is what you would call a workaholic. He's not money obsessed or anything, he just genuinely loves his job, or he just hates being home. Honestly, I am too afraid to ask. Either way, he would never tell me the truth. I suppose the good thing about having an absentee parent is the lack of eyes on my eating habits. Which is great, I don't have to hide my eating habits. Unless of course, he decides to come home early and surprise me with Chinese food. Which is precisely what happened yesterday.

I suppose it isn't the worst start to a new school year. The cold air hits me hard, I instantly regret not bringing a sweater. It's too late to go back home the bus should be here soon.

To my right is a group of teens joking with each other, all except one. He's tall, more mature looking. Unlike the average lanky teen such as myself. His messy black hair lays gently over his brows. You could get lost in those icy blues eyes. He is absolutely gorgeous.

He catches my stare. God I am a creep gawking over this guy. Apparently I have no shame. I quickly look down. Embarrassed, I prepare myself for an offhand remark. Which I absolutely deserve. To my surprise he says nothing. It isn't unusual for a guy to act in defense when a gay looking dude stares. Not gonna lie I've been beaten up in the past.

The bus comes to a halt and everyone piles on. I have always enjoyed the bus ride to school, It's a good time to chill and reflect, I put on my earbuds.

I lay my head against the cool glass window. So many houses, I wonder what are their lives like, Are they happy?

My thoughts interrupted by a sudden stop. More students pile in, I continue to look out the window. Avoiding the gaze of judgemental youth. Danny takes a seat next to me. He was my sisters boyfriend. He has always been a pretty nice guy. He still visits us once and awhile. He cared a lot about her, we all did. My sister was perfect.

"Hey, Avery" he smiles at me sympathetically.

My sister died on May 17th. A drunk driver took my big sister. And with that our happy family. Mom moved out, to California with her boyfriends family. She said she needed a fresh start. Mom and I never had the best relationship, and me being gay didn't help. I tried liking girls, for years it just never seemed to work.

"Hey, Danny" I smiled back. He stares at me for a second then goes on to ask about my dad and how we're coping with Mom leaving us. I respond with very short answers, not feeling like talking. He doesn't seem to take the hint. I don't want to talk about this stuff, let alone talk about it on my way to school on a bus filled with students. I just want to forget, forget about everything. "Hey Ave, are you okay you look a little pale?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I put my earbuds back on and look out the window. He doesn't talk to me after that. I'm not trying to be rude. I just don't want to cry anymore. And when I think about everything thats happened in these past months that's all I want to do. I see a mom and her two kids. They're smiles glisten as they kiss her goodbye. Are they really happy, or are they just putting on an act?

The bus stops. Highschool. Another year of hell. As I walk down the steps, I start to feel dizzy.

That's what progress feels like

First Chapter revised and complete thank you so much for your patience!!! I hope you guys enjoy it. I have decided on the name Avery for Andrew and Gray for Noah. I'll keep the other name suggestions in mind for a future story or characters!

stay wacky- Michelle xoxo