Nala

CHAPTER FOUR

Narinig kong sinisigaw ni Belen at Jackie pangalan ko. Tumakbo ako sa balcony at nakita ko sila sa labas ng property na may kasamang mga tanod. Kinandado ni War yung gate kaya nahirapan silang makapasok. I thought of climbing down from the balcony pero wala akong tutungtungan. May puno ng santol na pwede kong talunin, pero semento babagsakan ko kapag hindi ako nakakapit. I was aware that time was of the essence. Sinisipa na ni War yung bedroom door at malapit na itong bumigay.

"Nala, hintay lang! Makakapasok din kami!" shouted Belen from the street.

"Puta ka, War! Wag mo sasaktan si Nala!" I felt Jackie's frustration. She tried climbing over the gate, but it was too high.

Si Belen Pagaspas yung katulong ni Tita Naz. Si Jackilyn Bansil naman ang tricycle driver at sweet lover niya. Everytime I see them together, I am reassured that true love exists. Kahit nagkaleche-leche love life ko, hindi ko idedeny na posible ang matinong pag-ibig basta matino ang kasama mo. Kung di pa obvious, hindi lang si War ang walang katinuan sa relasyon namin. I decided to love a psychopath—hindi rin ganon katino pag-iisip ko.

January 15, 2015, kinasal kami ni War. It was a simple civil wedding with my parents and War's sister. At dahil buntis ako and I was basically eating for two people, sa Chinese buffet ang reception namin. Ang saya ko that time. Cheesy na kung sa cheesy, pero I felt like I was a Disney princess who just reached the "happily ever after" part of my life.

Mas may sasaya pa pala sa wedding day ko! On June 19, 2015, I became a mother. Most of my time in labor was a blur. But from my last push to the first time I touched his slimy tiny body, I remember every second of that moment. Since he was born the same day as the national hero of the Philippines, War and I decided to name him Rizal Agueda Lazaro. Up to this day, I still dream of Rizal's birth and it never fails to make me smile. It keeps giving me a sense of self-worth. I have doubted myself so many times in life. But after giving birth, I was sure of who I've become. From that day on, my objective was as clear as day. I am my son's protector, nurturer, and instrument to making sure that he gets a chance at experiencing life more than I could ever do so for myself.

I stayed true to my words since the day I found out I was pregnant. Waking up in the middle of the night to care for Rizal was a piece of cake. I could change his diaper while working-out and I did my groceries while breastfeeding him. All these I did and still managed to do my job as a caregiver. Unfortunately, the responsibility of being a father was too much for War. At first he complained a lot about the non-stop crying and not understanding what his son needed. He felt taken advantage of for spending the majority of his income on formulas, clothes, bottles, and binkies for Rizal. Over the course of three years, War became a different man. He was home just to sleep, shower, and watch UFC fights on TV. He hardly interacted with me and our son. He barely spoke about anything or even complained about Rizal's crying. I got more interactions from random ghosts passing by our apartment unit. I tried talking to him many times, but my attempts turned into arguments. He always walked out on me and I ended up sleeping alone for days.

On June 19, 2018, I threw my three-year-old boy a birthday party at the nearby park. I invited people from work, Rizal's friends from preschool, some neighbors at the apartment complex, War's sister, and my parents who already moved to San Diego to manage a small nursing home. Everything went as planned, except for War not showing up on time. I had to deal with people asking about him and if everything was okay between us. Being a mother came natural at hindi ako nahirapan. Pero bilang asawa, I felt like I was doing something wrong. As much as I wanted to blame War for what was happening between us, the fact that a problem existed meant there was inadequacy from my part as well.

War showed up right after Rizal blew the candles and everyone was getting a slice of the cake. I approached him and I could tell he had not taken a shower for days. His pupils were dilated, he got burns on his fingers, and his lips were chapped. War was high on crack and he had the audacity to show up at Rizal's birthday party.

"Let me see my kid, bitch!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? You look like shit. You want your son to remember his birthday party with his Dad showing up high on crack?"

"Bitch, he is fucking three. You threw a party for yourself. He ain't gonna remember any of this shit." War insisted and kept on approaching Rizal.

I had to physically keep him away since none of my words mattered. I pushed him to back off and that was when he became violent at me for the first time. War grabbed me by the hair and pulled me close to him. I screamed, but it was too late for me. He landed three punches on my face before throwing me to the ground. My dad and the other men from our apartment complex rushed to my aid and gave War the nasty beating he deserved. Mommy was quick to call 911 and the police came to arrest War. Buti na lang, War's sister was at the party and she made sure her brother stayed in jail for a while.

Hindi nagtagal sa kulungan si War. Pero bago siya makalabas, sinigurado ko na wala na kami ni Rizal sa apartment namin. At first we stayed with my parents in San Diego. I knew it wasn't the smartest move kasi I put my parents in harm's way by doing so. Sabi ko kay Daddy and Mommy na gusto ko muna magpakalayo kahit sandali lang at makahinga. Mommy came up with the idea for me and my son to fly to the Philippines for a vacation. Doon muna daw kami sa bahay namin in Fairview and they will finance our stay.

I wasn't sure how long I wanted to be in the Philippines or how we'd go about with our lives when we return to the States. Alam ko I wanted to file for divorce and claim sole custody of Rizal. Bahala na! Saka ko na iisipin lahat yan kapag nakahinga na ako. Tita Naz was very kind to let me have Belen assist me and Rizal while we stayed at our house in Fairview. Alam ko nandoon yung lalaking malaki ulo na walang mukha, pero I'd rather deal with him than face my abusive husband.